Johnny, Johnny I love you

I never imagined it would happen so soon.

Johnny and I met in 2008 at a psych rock festival at Thee Parkside in SF. His name is actually still “Johnny Parkside” in my phone. And I was “Patricia Cutie” in his phone for years until I changed my name to Hunter. I was at that show alone, new to the Bay, no real friends yet, and really hoping to meet folks that night. After the show, I was standing outside waiting for the bus, kinda sad I hadn’t met anyone, but stoked on the music I had seen that night, especially this one band Earthless. As I waited for the bus, a guy in an oversized flannel with a mohawk came up and said “Wasn’t that show amazing?!” I smiled and said yes. He quickly opened his arms and asked for a hug. We embraced for a long while and smiled, talking about how sad it is that strangers don’t hug more often. He said he’d asked a few people and been turned down until me. His friends came over to pull him away, apologizing that he may have been overzealous, but I loved it. We exchanged numbers and I went home so excited to have met him.

Our first date was at my fancy apartment in SoMa. He very delicately asked why some shaved head tattooed punk girl new to the city would be living in some luxury apartment. I said “Well, there’s something kinda weird I need to tell you” And he said “Great, I need to tell you something too”. I told him I lived in that apartment because I was a sex worker, and a client was paying for it while I got on my feet. I was nervous about telling him that, afraid of rejection or disgust. He simply asked “How is that for you?” and I replied “It’s great, I really love it.” I’ll never forget his next response: “Cool. So what kind of music do you like?”. That says so much about who he was- totally accepting and trusting and such a believer in creating your own way in the world. I played a mix I made for the night with D’Angelo and UGK- and he lost it. He fell for me so hard, probably in large part to that mix, haha. When I asked about the “kinda weird” thing he needed to tell me, he said “well, the night we met, I was really happy, you know? I was really positive and loving and excited.. and I was high on acid”. I laughed and said “Right on. That’s awesome! We should trip together some time”. And that was the beginning of our 7 years together.

Our third date was a trip to New York. We stayed at a gorgeous hotel, and one night we went to dinner. He ordered chicken, and later that night said that it didn’t feel right. He said he’d been trying to become vegetarian, that he knew in his heart that was the right thing, but he needed support. I told him I’d be there for whatever support that he needed, on his own time. He never ate meat again. Well, maybe a grandmother-cooked meal once or twice, as he always valued family and connection above all. But once he understood the exploitation involved in eating animals, he never wanted anything to do with it again. He saw it like I do- an expression of love and justice. His politics were rooted in love, all ways.

He had a weekly gig at the Ruby Room, all funk and soul, 45s only. I remember carrying those damn boxes of 45s in and out of the house, loading them in and out of the truck.. He always brought almost everything just in case there was a request.

When we met, I was in the middle of a campaign to decriminalize prostitution in San Francisco. He immediately got on board, identified publicly as a lover and supporter of sex workers. His heart and mind were aligned and he wasn’t ashamed. He went on to speak to the press, speak at our annual memorial, have relationships with other sex workers, and counsel other partners of sex workers. He was never ashamed and always stood up for me, online, in person, calling people out with a fierce love. Johnny was one of the most conscious allies, always striving to do what he felt was right in his heart.

We first moved in together some time in 2009, in his basement apartment off Piedmont Ave. That summer a coworker of his invited us to Chillits at Camp and Sons. It was our first experience of deep loving weirdo community. We immediately fell in love with it. We knew this is where we wanted to be. In the underground, with this chosen family, where creativity and love were the highest priorities. Responsible indulgence, community at the edges, making our own rules. It was so exciting.

Together we explored nonmonogamy for the first time. The immense amount of love, joy, connection, and pain, and fear, and healing- we went through it all together. This was by far the hardest journey for us, as we were confronted with our insecurities, our shadows, our unmet desires. No matter how hard it was, we always knew it was worth it. Nonmonogamy was the epitome of our commitment to love above all else.

We moved around Piedmont Ave, living in a house that was the former office of the manager of Etta James. That manager then rented the house to us, and gave Johnny lots of music business advice- not much of it that useful, but kind nonetheless. Johnny’s hip hop project Ill Mondo was releasing albums and licensing tracks and we were so excited when the royalty checks started to come in. He could see how it might all work out. We played a lot of Settlers of Catan, went to pinball expos, cooked weird vegan food, and loved each other well.

We dreamt about marriage a lot, through heavy criticism of the institution.. but finally decided that we wanted to do it. That we would be out- with all the queerness, sex work, gender non conformity, and non monogamy that was there. And we did it! And it was hard.

After we got married, we bought a camper van and traveled around the country for 3 months. It was so amazing being in that van, free with no plan, nowhere to be, just following our intuition and desire. Antique shops, old record stores, and flea markets is where we were drawn most. We visited friends, camped all over, swam in rivers, saw a space shuttle launch, got naked in waterfalls, fought, fell in love, shivered and struggled and cried and found god. It was everything. We always remembered that as one of the best adventures of our lives. (idleparty.com for more photos!)

I brought my tattoo machine with us on that trip. I was just getting started and Johnny was more than happy to let me practice on him. I gave him his first tattoo in a parking lot in Kalamazoo. It was a whale on the inside of his arm from an album sleeve he loved. He tattooed a heart on my shoulder and a little strawberry on my arm. We lovingly called it the “scrawlberry”, haha. I ended up giving him 6 of his 8 tattoos!

During that trip we stumbled upon Mutek in Montreal. We saw the debut of Amon Tobin’s ISAM, Jacques Green, Siriusmo, and MODESELEKTOR. To say that event changed the course of our lives is an understatement. Before then, we were listening to some Aphex Twin and Kraftwerk and Brian Eno, but we didn’t really know much about House and Techno, or the underground sound at all. Coming home we were forever changed.

When we got back the the Bay, we found a dilapidated apartment on MLK that had potential for a storefront. We worked so hard, cleaning up after the last tenant, hanging drywall, trying to get the place ready to be a record store. We eventually gave up when the landlord wouldn’t help us with electrical and youtube tutorials felt too dicey.

Halloween 2011 we went to an underground at Otherworld. It was our first time at a party like that. Drop point and bus and all. So bizarre to remember this now, but at that party I was scared because there was fabric hanging everywhere and candles and other open flame. We were the first people to leave. We were dressed as Bill and Ted. We came home in our costumes and took a bath together.

Johnny got serious about djing and producing. He spent so much time at home working on music. For years he’d crawl into bed hours after I’d fallen asleep. He was committed. He needed a dj name. I speak some German and we had recently been talking about a move to Berlin. We also talked about the rawness of the sound he wanted to produce, no pretense, no unnecessary frills. I suggested the German word for “naked”, Nackt. It stuck.

We got involved with local party crew As You Like It. We worked the door and helped load gear for a while, which was an awesome way to meet *everyone*. Johnny’s relationship with Jeremy Bispo was a springboard for him. He learned so much, made so many connections, and they eventually created an amazing underground party together.

Johnny and I stayed committed to exploring alternatives and finding how we fit. In 2013 I moved into my own apartment. We continued our relationship, and it was so much better having two places. We enjoyed the excitement of dating each other again. We lived together off and on for years, never losing the love we had for each other. When our romantic relationship ended in 2014, we agreed to always stay family. It was a painful break for us both, but we were always there for each other in tough times, with any support we could offer. Just days ago we said how much we loved each other.

Last Monday night we met up at Underground SF. I’m so glad I got to give him his birthday present early- a sweatshirt with an inflammatory anti-racism message, just his style.

When the fire broke out, Johnny was djing. He was doing what he loved the most- sharing sounds he loved with people he loved. He was getting people feeling good and moving and sharing love together. This photo was taken just minutes before the fire broke out by Amanda Kershaw/ Allen. Just the night before she told me she wanted to share some news with me. The news was that she and Johnny had been dating for a month or so, and it had been low key, but she wanted to tell me and get my blessing. I was happy and supportive, as she was a gem and Johnny had been crushing on her for a while. I told her that they were both lovely people, and of course I’m happy for them to love each other.

Johnny’s last moments were doing what he loved, with a sweetheart and friend. I honestly couldn’t ask for anything more for him.

Johnny was an amazing person. So committed to love, community, positivity, and creativity. He encouraged everyone he met and he truly believed in the power of underground communities to create the realities we dream of. He touched countless peoples’ lives and his impact will not be forgotten.

I am so completely gutted that he is gone. Absolutely heartbroken. And I am so, so glad that he was here, that he was who he was, and that we got to spend so much of our lives together. We grew each other up, in so many ways. To my partner, my love, my friend, my family- I love you, forever.