So today is the day…

She told her worker yesterday she doesn’t want to go with them, that she wants to stay with us.

How the hell am I going to tell her that the judge decided that what she wants doesn’t matter? How do I handle how unbelievably sad she is going to be when I tell her that she will be leaving? How to I prepare myself for this?

I am confident that we did (mostly) everything right. If we were doing it wrong she would be running for the door. I am confident we are the light in her darkness. I just wish I was as confident in the judge. Imagine, one person, who barely knows you, holding all the cards. Being able to decide the rest of your life and you having NO CONTROL. I am holding hope that this doesn’t break her incredible spirit. I am holding hope that it doesn’t break mine either. I am holding hope. I have to keep holding hope and showing her love because she is going to need it (and me) now more than ever. I will continue to be the light in the darkness. Even if it takes all that I have.

But then there’s still maybe… I’ll be waiting with a pounding heart and anxiety brain, forcing myself to stay positive, until I get the final word.

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