We will have a goodbye.

Not today, maybe next week, maybe not. But there will be a goodbye.

Court is next week. The background checks have gone through. Munchkin will be leaving. Maybe next week, maybe not. But there will be a goodbye.

I have to keep telling myself so that I am prepared. Prepared for what will most definitely be the hardest day of my life. I knew this was going to be the hard part. Everyone said “but how will you give them back?”. Every time I said “I will be the positive in their lives for as long as they are with me”. Yesterday I forgot that. Yesterday it all came crashing. I cried. I cried for the munchkin. I cried for myself. I cried for my boyfriend. I cried for my family who has fallen in love right along with me. And I’ll cry for all those things again when the time comes.

Was this selfish? My desire to want to do this for these kids was selfless but I’m not sure I fully thought about what it could do to everyone I have in my life. I’m the reason for the heartache that they will feel. None of them would be in this position if it wasn’t for me. They didn’t sign up for this wild ride, I did. Me, just me. But now, it’s not just me. Me has become we.

What if we aren’t ready for goodbye? She told us this morning she wanted to stay with us. She knows it’s coming. I can’t talk to her about it, not until there is some form of definite. I want to prepare her but I can’t prepare her, or myself, for the unknown.

A week ago I was asked if I was interested in adopting. These next few weeks we’ll be preparing for goodbye. I don’t even know where to begin. The old me would go numb, that won’t work anymore. We will have a goodbye and I need to be ready. For her. For me. For everyone. I know I can do it. This thing didn’t get this far for me to fail, or quit. We’re here for a reason.

Somehow, it will probably take everything I have, I’ll keep giving her all the love until it comes. I WILL be the positive in her life until it comes.