END TIMES BEGINNER’S PACKET
If you’ve stepped away from your off-the-grid shanty town lately, you’ve probably been made aware that the End Times are now upon us. This can be troubling for many. For those who have endured End of Days before, a retained past-life memory might be a helpful guide this time around. (Contrary to its name, End of Days actually occurs repeatedly, over and over again, throughout eternity. Neat, huh?) But for those who are experiencing their first planetary obliteration event, some printed guidelines are in order. Below is a packet of pertinent information to help prepare you for your magical journey into the Rapture.
- What to pack
Packing might be simpler than you think. What would you say if I told you that the vast majority of your possessions will be destroyed forever in the flames of Hades? Too good to be true? Think again! This makes your preparation that much easier. Anything non- flammable and lightweight that can be worn on your person is an advisable take-along. Popular personal effects are Swiss Army knives, beef jerky, fidget spinners, and gum. Electronics, small trembling dogs, and matches are not recommended. (There will be no lack of fire during End of Days.)
- Everything you need to know about the plagues
Most Biblical plague experts agree that the least threatening of the ten curses is the promise of a frog invasion. While unsettling in mass quantities, an army* of frogs could greatly reduce the fly and mosquito population while providing a soothing amphibian chorus for the world to end by.
Should the frog plague be scrapped and traded for something more ominous, proposed stand-ins have been shitty Wifi signals, having Allen wrenches for hands, or being followed around for eternity by two people talking about Game of Thrones without your ever having watched it, on account of the incest and beheadings (which will be increasing in popularity).
Other more manageable plagues include a) the turning of water into blood- the Red Cross has proclaimed this to be a potentially welcome addition to their O+ bank, and b) darkness for three days — many deem this a potentially good chance to catch up on sleep and probably worth a few shriveled hydrangeas.
*actual term for group of frogs
- How hot is it?
While the heat encountered during End of Days is dry and caustic, it is also a wet, pungent steam that sort of settles into your very pores and overtakes your living essence. Regardless of which type of heat you encounter, and you will encounter them all, severe hydration will be a recurring theme, so be sure to drink frequently from the blood river.
- Policy on good deeds performed prior to End of Days
Unfortunately, previous good deeds cannot be redeemed for decreased torture during End Times, despite information to the contrary. If you believe your deeds might be an exception (i.e. you risked your life to save a bus full of orphans or shared your second Twix bar with someone) you may file an appeal at your local office of satanic minions, which will be considered and responded to in approximately four eras.
- A note from the four horsemen of the Apocalypse
Surprisingly, Apocalypse horses do not require a specialized diet. Most can subsist on carrots grown in the bowels of Hades, as well as simple hay made from dried grass, also sprouted from Hades. Basically, any vegetation grown in Hades can be used to feed Apocalypse horses, with the exception of apples, of which they prefer the earthly variety, since Hades-apples are the equivalent of what we living above Hell commonly refer to as grapefruit.
- Getting around during Armageddon
Many assume that End Times will require knowledge of a manual transmission, when nothing could be further from the truth. During modern day Armageddon, the only car transmissions available are typically faulty automatics, characterized by sticking gears that are nearly impossible to control. Apocalyptic driving is known for vehicles that are effectively less efficient than briskly walking in espadrilles through molten lava. You’ll definitely want to sign up for the insurance, which is liability only and payable with the soul of your first born.
Hopefully this packet has helped you in preparing you for what’s to come, Apocalypse-wise. And if you’re still feeling apprehensive, don’t worry! It’s going to suck very much, so you might as well enjoy your Wifi, not being on fire, and regular amount of frogs while you still can.
