Satire

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To our valued customers:

During this difficult time, we here at the Comcast Corporation wanted to reach out and let our customers know that we haven’t stopped putting people first. You can continue to expect the valuable service from Comcast you’ve come to depend on.

How are we doing this? We’ve shortened company hours so our staff can be home with their families. (It really only takes one guy to flip the internet switch on and off.) We’re also providing our workers with paid time off. …


Photo by Bernard Hermant on Unsplash
  1. Extra-Wide, Flannel-lined Sleeping Bag: With its FleeceTech insulation, this sleeping bag is perfect for those chilly evenings when you’ve completely given up on humanity and are ready to zip yourself into a sadness burrito. To use, simply go home, stop doing things, unzip, and get in with your clothes and shoes on. Also comes in camouflage.
  2. Hooded Sleeping Bag: Sometimes a run-of-the-mill, quilted bodybag just isn’t isolatory enough. Those days require risking suffocation to fully get the experience of congealing into a soft pod that reabsorbs into a layer of dead leaves blanketing the frozen ground. This hooded sleeping bag…

Photo by Bram van Baal on Unsplash

1. Loud noises overstimulate you, which is why you wear a plastic bucket on your head at all times with holes cut out for your eyes. No one can hurt you when you’re in your bucket.

2. Dating is really hard for you! It is equally if not more difficult for the person you are on the date with.

3. After being around lots of people, you need some downtime to decompress and stroke each of your toenails seven times to the left, seven times to the right, and seven times to the left again while humming the alphabet.

4…


Legend states that the first redhead was the son of Vulcan, Roman god of fire.

Photo by Joanna Nix on Unsplash

1. We’re conceived in burning buildings.

Legend states that the first redhead was the son of Vulcan, Roman god of fire. So it stands to reason that ever since, redheads are believed to be part fire. If you know any redheads, they are likely the children of arsonists.


END TIMES BEGINNER’S PACKET

If you’ve stepped away from your off-the-grid shanty town lately, you’ve probably been made aware that the End Times are now upon us. This can be troubling for many. For those who have endured End of Days before, a retained past-life memory might be a helpful guide this time around. (Contrary to its name, End of Days actually occurs repeatedly, over and over again, throughout eternity. Neat, huh?) But for those who are experiencing their first planetary obliteration event, some printed guidelines are in order. …


Or just one with the shoulders missing?

Floral Texture Open-Shoulder Blouse, $98 (Anthropologie)

Tell the world you’re ready for summer with this floral embroidered blouse and also that you don’t deserve to have fabric on your shoulders because of that thing you did that time, which everyone secretly knows about.


Hannah had the shell of a generation.

Image: Matt Tillett

If you’re as big a fan of Girls as I was, then you probably realized early on that the show is a thinly veiled metaphor for hard and soft-shell marine life. Although there are still those who maintain that Girls was a show about a group of immature, privileged, young women in New York City, to the ever-growing population of castaways like me adrift on rogue sea vessels, the show was a clear depiction of the formative molting process of a hard-shell crab, indigenous to the cooler northern end of the Gulf Stream in the Atlantic Ocean.

The crustacean metaphor…

Sarah Hutto

I won the Internet like four times. Words on @McSweeneys, @tnyshouts, @washingtonpost, @Reductress, @the_rumpus, @Splitsider

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