To our valued customers:
During this difficult time, we here at the Comcast Corporation wanted to reach out and let our customers know that we haven’t stopped putting people first. You can continue to expect the valuable service from Comcast you’ve come to depend on.
How are we doing this? We’ve shortened company hours so our staff can be home with their families. (It really only takes one guy to flip the internet switch on and off.) We’re also providing our workers with paid time off. …
1. Loud noises overstimulate you, which is why you wear a plastic bucket on your head at all times with holes cut out for your eyes. No one can hurt you when you’re in your bucket.
2. Dating is really hard for you! It is equally if not more difficult for the person you are on the date with.
3. After being around lots of people, you need some downtime to decompress and stroke each of your toenails seven times to the left, seven times to the right, and seven times to the left again while humming the alphabet.
Legend states that the first redhead was the son of Vulcan, Roman god of fire. So it stands to reason that ever since, redheads are believed to be part fire. If you know any redheads, they are likely the children of arsonists.
END TIMES BEGINNER’S PACKET
If you’ve stepped away from your off-the-grid shanty town lately, you’ve probably been made aware that the End Times are now upon us. This can be troubling for many. For those who have endured End of Days before, a retained past-life memory might be a helpful guide this time around. (Contrary to its name, End of Days actually occurs repeatedly, over and over again, throughout eternity. Neat, huh?) But for those who are experiencing their first planetary obliteration event, some printed guidelines are in order. …
Tell the world you’re ready for summer with this floral embroidered blouse and also that you don’t deserve to have fabric on your shoulders because of that thing you did that time, which everyone secretly knows about.
If you’re as big a fan of Girls as I was, then you probably realized early on that the show is a thinly veiled metaphor for hard and soft-shell marine life. Although there are still those who maintain that Girls was a show about a group of immature, privileged, young women in New York City, to the ever-growing population of castaways like me adrift on rogue sea vessels, the show was a clear depiction of the formative molting process of a hard-shell crab, indigenous to the cooler northern end of the Gulf Stream in the Atlantic Ocean.
The crustacean metaphor…
I won the Internet like four times. Words on @McSweeneys, @tnyshouts, @washingtonpost, @Reductress, @the_rumpus, @Splitsider