The Big 5 CEOs, ranked by fight
Forget revenue or innovation or how well they spy on you. The only real way to measure a company is by having their CEOs punch it out. Fight club rules, MMA restrictions, round-robin tournament. Let’s do this.
5. Larry Page

Coming fifth is Page. Page, while a damn good software dude, would be pretty shit in a fight. He doesn’t have any hardcore physical skills and is in poor health in general. Worst of all, though, was his willingness to adopt “don’t be evil” as the Google slogan. That kind of goodness is a liability in a fight. Sure, Google doesn’t care about that now, but I bet that core of innocence is gonna make him pull his punches.
4. Satya Nadella

Nadella is a bit ahead of Page. Not like “no contest” ahead, but I’d put 70/30 odds on him to win. He’s slightly better in both the physical and aggression stats. Physical because he plays cricket, which is some exercise, which means he’ll be in better shape. And aggression because Nadella had to fight his way to the top of Microsoft, while Page started out as the head of Google. That means Nadella is a more aggressive CEO which might (might) translate into being a more aggressive person. And in a fight, aggression is a good thing.
3. Tim Cook

Cook doesn’t just do better than Nadella, he does a lot better. First of all, he’s definitely got some backbone: anybody who can stand up to the FBI can also stand after taking a punch. More importantly, he’s a fitness freak. He goes to the gym at 5 AM, is an avid cyclist, and hikes in his spare time.
Fitness is a big deal in a fight, to the point where the Cook might not have the nerve to hit first, but he will absolutely hit back, and he’ll hit back way harder than he got.
2. Jeff Bezos
Five years ago, Bezos vs Cook would have been close, but I would have put my money on Cook. Now, though, I think B is comfortably ahead. Cook used to be in much better shape, but in 2013 Bezos started astronaut training or something? People thought it was really funny. Now it’s 2017 and Bezos might still be prepping for spaceflights, but he’s definitely now ready for punchfights.

Bezos closed the fitness gap, but what makes him better than Cook? Raw, unchained savagery. Bezos is easily the most vicious CEO in this fight. Vicious enough to force warehouse labour to work in 100+ degree weather. Vicious run all the bookstores out of town and then open his own. Vicious enough to unleash the original sin of AWS Data Pipelines on society. Bezos is a goddamn sociopath, and this alone is enough to pull him to the finals. Cook has to convince himself it’s okay to hit Bezos. Bezos has to convince a judge that he accidentally bit off Tim Cook’s throat.
1. Mark Zuckerberg
You’d think Bezos would win this, but surprisingly enough, Zuckerberg is better. Sure, he’s got the whole nerdy nerd-nerd going, but physically, his biceps are just as big as Jeff’s, and he’s just over 20 years younger. That’s twenty years less of helplessly watching his body decay into a mush of arthritis and entropy.

Zuck’s trump card, though, is tactical. He’s the only CEO here with verified combat training. Fencing isn’t MMA, but training counts for so much in a fight I’d be shocked if it didn’t give him an edge.
And most importantly, he’s killed before.
Congratulations Zuck, you are the fightingest CEO.
You can find my slightly less embarrassing stuff at hillelwayne.com and my much more embarrassing stuff on twitter.
