The following “metacations” provide quick relief from common problems associated with life. They are tongue-in-cheek, but applying these remedies may bring real and positive benefits for you.

PROSPERTIN

For developing an entrepreneurial mindset.

Image by stockmonkeys.com

WHAT PROSPERTIN IS

Prospertin is a statement based on Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) to promote a positive prosperity mindset.

Many individuals suffer from financial problems. Prospertin is a simple remedy taken once to three times a day for better cash flow.

DOSAGE

One dose of Prospertin consists of looking at the following image and reading aloud the accompanying statement.

This moment, as I read this sentence, ideas to attract money formulate in my unconscious mind.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS

Possible side effects of Prospertin include seeing problems as potential business opportunities and making mad bank.

NONDUALIX

For impersonal realization and attaining enlightenment. For external use only.

WHAT NONDUALIX IS

Many adults suffer from some form of thought disorder due to a debilitating mind virus commonly referred to as Monkey Mind.

Nondualix can help alleviate symptoms of Monkey Mind with as little as one application a day.

DOSAGE

Nondualix is an easy-to-follow three step procedure.

1) Stick a Nondualix thumbtack on the wall, about three feet from the ground.

2) Take a chair and set it facing the tack, about three feet away.

3) Stare at the tack for 15 minutes, up to an hour. Do it without thinking, without creating narratives or playing music in the background of your mind. Simply stare at the tack.

If your mind wanders (which it will half a million times) or if you nod off, refocus on the tack on the wall.

If your eyes get sore from staring in one spot, do the opposite: stare at all the space around the tack, but not the tack itself.

WARNING

Only Nondualix thumbtacks are guaranteed to work. Do not reuse thumbtacks. If you suspect your Nondualix thumbtacks are counterfeit, contact the police immediately.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS

Possible side effects of Nondualix include less unproductive thinking and more peace of mind.

NATURAZEN

For a hormone-induced high.

WHAT NATURAZEN IS

Naturazen is intended to induce feelings of elation and well-being from the stimulation of endorphins, testosterone, growth hormone (GH) and other feel-good biochemicals in your body.

DOSAGE

Naturazen requires frequent and repetitious movement for about 30 minutes to take effect. It does not have to be strenuous exercise. The three steps of activating Naturazen are:

1) Move in a brisk, forward motion.

2) Maintain forward motion in a repetitious manner (for example walking, pushing wheel of a wheelchair, etc. )

3) Continue doing step one and two for about 30 minutes.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS

Common side effects of Naturazen include elevated heart rate and mild perspiration.

Ask your dharmacist if Naturazen is right for you.

SMILIX, THE ANXIETY ANTIDOTE

For looking at the sunny side of life.

Photo by Vic (aka hang_in_there)

WHAT SMILIX IS

Smilix, the Anxiety Antidote is a treatment for negative feelings.

Most adults experience feelings of sadness or despair at one time or another. Smilix helps turn that frown upside down, with as little as one dose.

DOSAGE

When experiencing sensations of stress, frustration or sadness, listen to Chet Baker’s Looking for the Silver Lining. Reapply as many times as necessary until mood changes.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS

Possible side effects of Smilix, the Anxiety Antidote include singing along, playing air trumpet and “stuck song syndrome”, when a catchy piece of music continuously repeats through a person’s mind after it is no longer playing.

Smilix is available now.

ROLBAKATIN

For when you miss the good old days.

WHAT ROLBAKATIN IS

Rolbakatin is an easy mind hack for identifying your keystone habits and those activities that makes you happiest. Rolbakatin is based on a Microsoft Windows feature called the Last Known Working Configuration, also known as a system rollback.

DOSAGE

If you long to capture days gone past, Rolbakatin can help. Simply follow these instructions:

First, think back to when things were going well for you. A happy period in your life. Take time to recall what activities you were doing on a typical day. Start with when you awoke and go in chronological order until bedtime.

In particular, look for activities you did on a regular basis. For example, were you going to the gym every day? What was your diet like? Were you involved in creative or volunteer work? Write this down.

Next, recall a different time in your life when things were going well for you. It may be years before or after the first period of your life. Again, what was a typical day like back then? What were you doing on a regular basis that worked for you? Write it down.

Now compare the two lists. See any matches? If you do, start there. Resume those daily activities. They are keystone habits. They affect other seemingly unrelated aspects of your life for the better.

For example, regular exercise is a keystone habit. When you start exercising consistently, you start eating better, feeling calmer, sleeping better and so on.

Making the bed is another keystone habit. A match may also uncover a hidden passion or talent, and ability that allowed you to express your individuality or be of service to others. Restart the regiment to improve health and overall well being.

POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS

The most common side effect reported with Rolbakatin is an increased understanding of ones self.

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