Day 2: Funniest Survivor
Survivor 39-Day Challenge
The funniest Survivor is The Queen, Sandra Diaz-Twine.
Across Sandra’s Survivor career, playing in four seasons and appearing as a mentor in one, she had some of the lippiest lines and the sassiest moments I can’t help but find really funny. Her strategy of ‘as long as it ain’t me’ gives her not only a two-game winning streak, but a series of interactions that is hilarious and entertaining.
In Pearl Islands in 2003, Sandra’s first season and first win, her interactions with Jonny Fairplay would always be the highlight. From arguing who the weaker swimmer is between them to a shouting scrimmage that gave us the golden line “I can get loud, too, what the fuck!”, their relationship is nothing short of dysfunctional.
The funniest moment between these two happened during the loved ones visit. This is a criminally underrated funny moment from Sandra because of how grand of a moment it is for Fairplay. Fairplay concocted this Dead Grandma Lie™ before even arriving to Panama. What is the lie, you ask? Well, his grandma could not make the loved ones visit because she sadly passed away, so instead his best friend was out there giving him the devastating news. But that’s exactly what Fairplay wanted his castmates, including Sandra, to believe. This lie would go down as the silliest yet most cold-hearted lie in the history of Survivor. “My grandma’s at home watching Jerry Springer right now,” cut to confessional of the slyly smiling Jonny Fairplay.
Thanks to Fairplay’s and his best friend’s incredible acting skills, everybody was ready to give the challenge up and let him win in order to get more time with his best friend, hear more about what happened to his beloved grandma –– everybody but one Sandra Diaz-Twine. Oh, no, The Queen was not having any of it and was challenging Fairplay. “Not everything’s about you!” snapped Sandra. Given she was the first out of that challenge, it’s so funny because she’s the only one not fooled by that cockamamie lie.
Seven years later, Sandra came back for a second shot at the million. If her first confessional of the season (“Last time, I was mean. This time, I’m meaner. You know I’d lie, I don’t care. But I’d make up a good lie.”) is any indication, in retrospect, you know she’d have a very fruitful and, of course, funny season.
Her take on the sudden disappearance of the tribe machete was peak Sandra sass. Russell Hantz, Sandra’s Jonny Fairplay this season, took the machete and hid it in the hopes that it would create chaos around camp. But Russell was dealing with a bunch of misfits who have played before, and they could not care less about a missing machete. Sandra threw it out at tribal council and said, with all the sass she could might, the machete “grew legs and walked off”. Everyone was laughing, including myself.
Her interactions with Russell this season was reminiscent of that with Fairplay. “He’s a stupid ass” and “I’m against you, Russell” are some of the most iconic lines the Queen has ever gifted the Survivor community. The funniest of these interactions was towards the end of the season, Sandra and Russell making the finals. After all her failed maneuvers to take Russell out of the game, she had to make one last attempt to make Russell pay for all the sufferings he had dealt her. “Russell is obnoxious. So, I took his hat and threw in the fire. I don’t care,” she nonchalantly told us in the confessional.
She followed-up on this one at the reunion when Russell was asked for his comments about the hat-burning. “It stunk. It was dirty. It was funky. So, I threw it in the fire,” with an as-a-matter-of-fact look. It was hilarious and just glorious, because, admit it or not, Russell was obnoxious.
And who would ever forget about this?
I mean, it was funny on first watch, and even funnier on the rewatch. But it became the funniest when a fun-fact came about this Sandra belly-flop: it was already a retake (citation needed). The cameramen missed the first time this happened, and they were all probably laughing at the time, and decided to retake the whole thing. Oh, Sandra.
There are three major funny points from Sandra in Game Changers (2017), her third season and first loss. The first one is her confessional where she’s taking jabs on Tony Vlachos, maybe a stretch here but her Jonny Fairplay this season. “You’re only the king until the queen arrives. . . I’m here,” Her Royal Highness explained. The second funny point was in that same episode at tribal council, where a bug was flying everywhere and landed on her hair. “Is something in my damn hair?” she asked Jeff. She pulled the bug and screamed out loud at the sight of what took residence in her hair for 30 seconds. The tumult it caused the entire tribe gotta make you laugh.
The third major funny point, and probably the biggest of them all (yes, including the other seasons), is the sugar-gate incident. Taking an old trick from her own playbook, she set up a chaos by emptying food and letting others take the blame for such action. She did it in Pearl Islands with the fish after Rupert went home, and she did it again this season with the sugar after Malcolm‘s blindside.
The strategy behind emptying the sugar jar was to create conflict between two people (who always put sugar in their coffee): JT, who she deemed responsible for Malcolm’s untimely exit, and Michaela, who JT disliked. The conflict would cause JT and Michaela to target each other, and, at the same time, make JT comfortable enough not to use an idol (which he actually had) since she was Sandra’s real target, some sort of payback for Malcolm. Executed to perfection, Sandra was able to eliminate JT and admitted at tribal council, in true funny Sandra fashion, that it was her who “licked the sugar jar empty.”
The funny part about these moments was when she did these faces, Modern Family-style, after the fact:
Sandra’s mentoring stint in Island of the Idols (2019), of course, became a pool of funny Sandra moments, albeit her airtime was relatively limited. Her answer when Rob asked if it’s hard for her to vote people out — “Fuck no. I’d vote you out and that’s it.” — was an instant icon.
Sneaking on the other tribe’s camp should be a tedious task and helping Vince to achieve his goal of getting fire over there was of top priority. So, Sandra, having prior experiences being employed in the Army and Air Force Exchange Service, came up with a lot of solutions, from crawling very low in the sand to handling tall torches to, of course, hiding behind palm fronds. It was so silly, but it made me laugh. Goofy Sandra is the best.
Not much can be said about Sandra and her Winners at War (2020) game because, let’s face it, no one in their right minds would think she’s going far anyway. Yes, we were optimistic. After all, she is The Queen. But, getting that third win would be very difficult, with the kind of target she has. (No one likes to admit it, but she is a huge target; same size as Tyson’s or Parvati’s, give me a break.)
Fortunately, before she was gloriously slayed in one of the most brutal blindsides in Survivor history, she gave us the Sandra Sit-Out Bench.
Pretty much a comprehensive write-up for Sandra and her funny antics we’ve seen on the show, but I think it speaks to how well Sandra does in the game of Survivor and how good of a television character she is. Some cancel her because of her lack of physical prowess, especially in challenges, but no one can deny the effectivity of her gameplay and the value of entertainment it brings to the table. No wonder the production loves her.
The only other castaway who I think has the perfect balance between amazing gameplay and entertainment value has also won twice. So, to those people saying Sandra won twice just because of sheer luck. . . adíos.
Long live The Queen!
Runner-up: Courtney Yates, Runner-up, Survivor: China
