Brad ❤

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, but GEE if it isn’t hard to find a gift for that special someone! Especially if that special someone is Brad, who you know is going to come around any day now! But what should you get for Brad?!?

How about a watch!?

YOWZA! Time sure does fly! I can’t believe another year has come and gone. And while I’m certainly going to miss 2017, I’m not gonna miss out on the opportunity to share the best six things that men yelled at me this year! It’s a time-honored tradition!

Competition was FIERCE, because if there’s one thing that men love about me, it’s my yellability! Is that a word? It is now!

Anyway, after a lot of soul searching (and a lot of getting yelled at! By men!), these are our champions:


I was walking to a party and wearing a pretty…

Hi! I’m Eileen and I love Twitter! It’s by far, my favorite social media platform and I enjoy the challenge of coming up with new jokes to write every day. I tend to stay away from politics, mostly because I’m too busy writing jokes that are self-deprecating, or about Space Jam. But like Michael Jordan after the Monstars called him “baldie,” this man made me snap:

I know you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but like, what if the cover SCREAMS “creepy pedophile”?!

Roy Moore. Alabaman, Republican nominee for senate, guy who was first interested in his wife when she was only 15, and notable mall creep. As a former teen and current lover of malls, I…


You’ve probably noticed that “But her emails!” is a pretty popular response to a lot of stuff these days. But DID YOU KNOW that it’s not always the best response? When is it appropriate to use? When is it relevant to the conversation? Don’t worry, I broke it down for you guys in a simple, easy-to-read DO or DON’T list. Share it with your friends, family, and that guy on Facebook whose profile picture is just a picture of a gun! (Gun guy, surely you must be more than just a gun. Come on.)


DO When someone is complaining about…


Do you hate talking on the phone? Hey me too! Don’t worry, here are some useful tips that have gotten me pretty far in life. It’s not that scary! (IT IS THAT SCARY)

STEP 1) Look up the number you have to call

I’m guessing you’re going to be calling with a smartphone. Double check that the digits are correct before pressing this little fella, lest you feel like an IDIOT:

It’s the most romantic day of the year…to sob uncontrollably!


Maybe you’re recently single. Maybe you’re in a relationship but the weight of life being meaningless finally caught up with you! Whatever the case, there’s a perfect place for every cry. Here are some of my personal favorite places to weep and weep and weep on Valentine’s Day. I’m doing great!

On your forearm like a sad Disney princess!

Dear President Trump,

Asdjljfkldsaljkdfas ajlfda fjtrjofjofjofadjk lakdjadoefjoiovu8udijotrek54l3lejosdiaoplwKQpe
Dfg ng

(Hi, Eileen here. I guess my pussy isn’t very good at typing)

Aflakdsj adsroiuafdldk asdfljkadsflj
ouqq79wcrauvlkqjwcrafls wioef

(I mean, it makes sense. By design, she couldn’t possibly be dexterous.)

Slkdfj alsdf adsflkjadslfjaks32u4ie89rwija

(But she was like, “Hey, I got something I want to say to this guy,” so I was like, “By all means!”)

dlf 438q9rueafijwa 5839472380fuaflj

(At least, that’s what I think she said? It’s hard to understand her. She’s all the way down there. I’m all the way up here.)

Afskljd alkdsfo3iurewjasdfjkl rqasdfjljlkdfas qoyrasfd8y3fjjfd


Like a lot of women in their twenties, I grew up lo-o-ooooving Disney movies. But were they more harmful than helpful? Here are the ways that Disney movies gave girls like me unrealistic expectations about life.

I cannot move at 24 frames per second

It’s 2007 and we’re really hitting it off! But I guess you already knew that LOL! Anyway, here’s some important things about me in case you ever forget:

-If you’re going to be with me, then you’re going to be with all of my cargo pants.
-I have this poster above my desk:

Eileen Mary O’Connell

Writer/Performer (iO West, The Improv Space,,,, various bathroom walls) | Space Jam historian

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store