How I Would’ve Avoided Peer Pressure (If I Was Ever Cool Enough To Be Peer Pressured)

Hi! I’m Eileen and I’ve spent the past 27 years (out of 27!) being drug-free, through absolutely no effort of my own! I’m not a loser for never doing drugs, I’m a loser for never being OFFERED drugs. It’s fine, I’m fine. I live a pretty happy life! I even just bought more decorative hand towels for my bathroom!

This was wasted on me, but at least they gave us free donuts.

But I feel a little bad that the Illinois public school system wasted an entire D.A.R.E. education on me. Here I am, with all these creative ideas for how to say no to drugs, and they’ll never get used. UNTIL NOW! Here are things I WOULD’VE said to avoid peer pressure. Please pass these along to your nearest impressionable teen. They need it more than I do!

WHEN SOMEONE OFFERS YOU ALCOHOL AND YOU’RE ONLY IN HIGH SCHOOL

“Aw man, I wish, but I’m on antibiotics!”

Because you’re definitely at a party right now and not watching reruns of Buffy in your parent’s basement. What’s it like?!

WHEN SOMEONE PASSES YOU A JOINT

“I’m actually allergic.”

I actually AM allergic to marijuana, which I only found out after leaving a window open in college once. I coughed so much that I thought I was going to die. Or maybe I did die, and now I’m in decorative hand towel owning heaven. Wow, this is giving me a lot to think about.

WHEN EVERYONE ELSE WANTS TO TRY ECSTASY

“Molly? I’m more of a Josefina.”

People respect a good American Girl doll reference. I assume. No one talks to me and my birds all flew away

WHEN….OKAY FINE I RAN OUT OF IDEAS AND HAD TO GOOGLE THIS:

AND AFTER LETTING A WAVE OF SHAME WASH OVER ME, I CAME UP WITH SHOPLIFTING! REMEMBER SHOPLIFTING? I DON’T BUT HEY

WHEN SOMEONE WANTS YOU TO SHOPLIFT

“Excuse me but I’d rather pay for this Fiber cereal with my OWN MONEY.”

Shoplifting may be free, but nothing is quite as freeing as a healthy colon.

Anyway, I hope this helps! If you need me, I’ll be washing my new decorative towels! I’M FINE!

Eileen is a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles. Her little body can’t even handle caffeine, so maybe this is all for the best. Follow her on Twitter.

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