Where can I find the motivation to rise ‘n shine when the sun has totally disappeared?

iamteachable
Nov 6 · 4 min read

Depression has often been described as the black dog that sits on my legs when I am in bed, and just becomes heavier and heavier with every passing minute — as I helplessly contemplate my day ahead and struggle to gather my wits or any motivation to get moving. He just becomes this huge weight on me that doesn’t let me spring out of bed, jump into the shower and do the little routine things I need to, so I can start my day effectively and achieve some semblance of productivity and self-worth.

It is oh so real — that sense, that feeling of being weighed down. I am literally unable to move out from under it and dismiss it. It seems, in fact, as if I manifest that reality without seeming too — that this mood of mine invokes it deliberately and I am then trapped by it.

In some time, my housekeeper peeps in and asks whether I want a cup of tea in bed? I manage to nod an optimistic yes and hope that it would make things all right and I shall then move.

Minutes pass by. Tea comes and sits by my bedside, waiting for me to take that 1st energizing and reigniting sip. I watch it cool! Amidst the translucent swirls of the dissolving spoonful of sugar, I watch it cool more. “How many whorls of steam does 1 cup of hot tea produce in 15 minutes of existence?” — my high school Physics workbook challenges me! “Is this dull condition of mine really because of that sugar that I added? They do say it is the new poison?” — my doubting biochemical mind questions knowing fully well that I am not really a sugar addict at all. A modest spoon in 2–3 cups over a day does not a Great Depression create. And the tea continues to cool…

With an almighty heave and a distinctly audible grunt, I shift! I lunge over eventually, grab the delicate glass cup, shuffle into a semi drinking position and SLURP! Aah.

The sun is always there; I need to look!

That first hit of reality tastes divine. It is my first real world contact outside of the millions of miles I have travelled in my mind and the billions of images and conversations I have processed since my dreams started. I feel the tepid liquid dribble its way past a thick and dry tongue and find its way down a parched gullet and slowly spread its sweet warmth through my throat and chest. Another sip or two and I find myself nearly half erect in bed with pillows propped up that would make a day care nurse proud. And by the time I have finished those 40 milliliters of golden brew, I have my eyes open, looking out over the garden that now gleams with green grass and say to myself — “wow, that’s beautiful! I really must also smell the flowers and feel the breeze on my face.” The sun hadn’t disappeared. I just couldn’t see it. It was always there.

It has now actually become possible to put into action what, a little while ago, was well on nigh impossible! I can get up and out of bed. I slide open the French windows and step out. The breeze wafts across my face and hair and I find myself smiling and wondering — “why can’t I smell the flowers?” “Well”, I tell myself, “its ok for now. Maybe they disperse their perfume a little earlier; it IS past 10 after all!”

Yes, I have moved. No, I don’t go back to bed and slide down again. Onward to the bathroom where cool water and scented soaps await my morning determination. I have beaten the dog, just for today and once again. I find myself grateful for the beauty of the home I live in, the people in my life who brought me that life giving cup of tea and the ability to reboot my day from time to time.

I know I have failed all “normal” standards of societal activity and routine; I could be condemned and judged for my sloth, my laziness, my torpid existence and lack of normal drive and ambition. But I have beaten the dog! I am winner today.

Its normal to be not normal and its possible to be ok when you are not ok!

(contributed by a client, anonymity requested)

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