I strongly empathize with both your responsibilities as a parent and your ongoing struggle. But publishing the details of your child’s struggle with mental illness is criminal. Have you shown your child this essay? If not, why?
Mentally ill people can sort of eat up all the air in a relationship and come to dominate the family narrative: x isn’t reacting well to the meds, x tried to run me over, can someone take x’s homework to the hospital. It seems undeniably important for you to be able to articulate something as painful and complex (and indefinitely ongoing) as what you’re living through.
But nothing, at all, entitles you to violate your child’s privacy. See also author and toxic narcissist Lisa Long’s “I Am Adam Lanza’s Mother” (Spoiler: she isn’t). Not to compare you to that person, but nothing whatsoever entitles you to violate your child’s privacy.
With respect for your struggle and hope for eventual victory over your collective difficulties, this essay should be taken down.