I wrote 5,595 words. I spent a week writing 5,595 words. 10 pages of words. 10 pages of grammar and spelling mistakes, 10 pages of vunerability, of honesty of praise and thanks and apologies. I could’ve wrote 50 pages more.
5,595 words. It’s the last thing I will get to say to her. It was going to be a paragraph. It was going to be nothing at all. It still may be nothing at all. It was going to be a plane ticket. It was going to be a phone call. It almost still was going to be nothing at all.
It was a month of self reflection. It was tearing back layers upon layers of self realizations. It was facing every skelton in the closet, every demon I live with and saying enough is enough. It was a daily battle of pride versus heart. The human heart is so stupid, but it’s right, it’s valent, it’s true. What could cause this painful, cringe worthy trial and tribulation? Love.
5,595 words. It’s pathetically small in the grand spectrum of works on love. Love, since the begining of time has always been the source for works from poems to books, songs to art, dance and movies, tv and plays. We obsess. We beg to relate. It speaks to us, it speaks to that stupid heart. When we want it, crave it, hate it, feel it, lose it we seek anything we can to fill the need we associate with it. It is the reason why the mixtape was created. Also stop putting my “Heart Will Go On” on mixtapes, it should’ve died along with Jack. The columination of words on love will forever be infinite as long as the human race continues on. Mine was 10 pages, it could’ve been 500 more.
You see love has a kind of way of overtaking your life. I’ve never been married but I guess it’s probably out of desperation of saving love or the overwhelming need to proclaim love. I’d like to believe it’s normally the latter. That’s the optimist in me, the optimist that hasn’t shown his face in a long time, does. Because you see I broke a girl’s heart. I’m not positive but I think that puts the score at 26–1. It wasn’t on purpose, and I’m not here to make excuses. I’m sure if I didn’t think it was terribly wrong it wouldn’t have caused me to dig deep inside to find the “how”. That “how” is bound to haunt me but it made me realize how important being self aware is, how important it is to stand up for who you are and what you believe in. It broke the silence in my voice, it woke my heart up, it broke down walls and let the light shine in. I am not perfect, I will always make mistakes but I will never make this one again.
So now I’m lost in words of love. She has become every song I’ve ever heard, every poem I’ve read. I think we all like to live in a world of fantasy and try to reach to relate. It would be easy to sum up the story in a Hollywood romantic comedy.