My Decision to Start Living
A single moment can propel you into a trajectory that you didn’t ever believe was possible. A moment of realization and clarity knowing it’s the only path forward.
That moment for me was a day in mid-November when I decided that I would not let myself succumb to the funk and cluttered life in which I was living. After several years of trying to mask these feelings, I decided that I needed to do what I longed to do, no matter how unconventional it might seem. I told myself to let go of societal norms. I was going to quit my job, travel, and discover the world. For the first time in a long time I felt like I was becoming the person I was supposed to be. I felt alive. I felt unafraid. I felt free.
In the months prior to my realization, I had slipped into a deep “funk”. I think everyone knows the kind of discomfort I’m talking about. You’re not happy, you don’t know why, and you don’t know what to do to dig your way out. I’d beat myself up for the way I was feeling because I know how blessed and fortunate I am. But still, something didn’t feel right.
Since I was in middle school, my life had followed somewhat of a “plan” — get good grades and excel at a prestigious university where I would then become a nurse. I would land a nursing job and be one of the best at the hospital. I was okay with this plan for years — I checked off the boxes, life was great. I was accomplishing everything I had set out for myself. However, life took a huge turn when I lost my little brother to metastatic melanoma. That wasn’t part of my plan.
In 2013 and 2014 my little brother, Connor, was fighting metastatic melanoma. On December 30, 2013 the melanoma had spread to Connor’s brain, but our hopes were high because his doctors felt that he was a perfect candidate for successful brain radiation. I celebrated the New Year with friends and had barely any worries. On January 1st I received a phone call from my Dad telling me that Connor had an awful seizure. The doctors now believed there was nothing more they could do. I didn’t truly understand what this meant, but one thing I knew for certain was that I needed to go home, immediately.
The next morning I flew up to San Francisco to spend Connor’s last days along side him and soon found out that I would never hear his voice again. The cancer had spread to his brain causing excruciating pain so he had to be heavily sedated. For eight days I sat in his hospital room from dusk until dawn and watched my brother fight to hang on to life. However, the disease would overcome. The only reassurance I had that Connor could hear me was when we were alone and I read my final letter to him. As I sat next to him, saying my goodbyes, a tear ran down his face. My heart would never be whole again.
Connor passed on January 9th. After he was gone, life and the world around me kept moving normally. People went back to their lives filled with joy and drama. This was hardest for me to cope with — life moves on and I had to move on. Right? As much as I wanted it to slow down, it didn’t. I took a week and a half break from work and then dove right back into the hospital environment. Everything reminded me of Connor — certain drugs I had to administer, patients I had to care for and even the hospital rooms. I had to remain professional and be fully present for my patients who needed my care.
I was marching through life like a robot denying that I was quickly falling into that funk.
Finally around mid November there was too much of it weighing me down. It was at this moment that I knew I had to stop following my set plan and travel the world.
In early January of this year I wiped my slate clean. I moved out of my apartment in San Francisco and into my parents’ home. It was their support that pushed me to continue to work and save money to travel. I also started to brainstorm about creative projects I could work on while I was away. On my birthday, January 27th, I received a message from a friend, Tony Savino who offered me the experience of a lifetime: “Hi Happy Birthday Hannah!! I’m curious to chat with you about a creative collaboration. Cassie mentioned once that you might be interested in traveling in March, and there may be a project in the works. Let’s grab a coffee or beer soon and chat if you’re down. Enjoy Hawaii and welcome to 27!” A few days later we spoke and he asked me to join his team of four to photograph the music festival culture in South America. This meant flying to Brazil, Argentina, and Chile to attend all three lollapaloozas. However, the dates were sooner then I had planned to leave and I was scared shitless. I wasn’t ready to take off in three weeks. For help, I turned to one of the most influential and important people in my life — my dad. He couldn’t have been more supportive and told me that even though this was sooner than expected, I needed to go. And truthfully this is what exactly I had hoped & wanted for.
The universe was working in mysterious ways. It couldn’t have been more perfect.
So tonight, three weeks later, we are off to Sao Paulo, Brazil. We will also be traveling to Buenos Aires, Argentina, and Santiago, Chile. I am so lucky to be joining this team of four visionaries — Tony Savino, Dustin Elm, Carlos Garcia, and Daniel Wiechert. We will be documenting the crossroads of global music festivals and South American culture. The film series focuses on how these events influence the surrounding communities, cultures, politics, and people, coupled with an inspiring tale of us making this dream a reality. After this trip I will be heading to Cuba and Bali where I will be working on a creative photography project (more information to come soon about that one!). I then will be meeting one of my best friends in Eastern Europe and from there it’s to be determined…
