Two Years Later

Hi Mikeal, I have since childhood had a panic inducing fear of death. My mother still jokes about the first time as a child I asked her about death, to this day I don’t think she fully comprehends my anxiety. I don’t blame her, some people get it, others just skip over it. Or let the anxiety manifest in other more socially accepted ways, with all the usual masks and models. I recall, the first time I ever managed to overcome my death-fear was about 3 weeks into reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. I wasn’t exactly reading it because I wanted to be a buddhist, although I appreciate alot of those teachings. I was instead looking to explore death and develop a better relationship with it. I was falling asleep one night, when suddenly the familiar death anxiety came rolling in, but then all of a sudden acceptance came over me, as if death was as much a matter of fact as a wet tongue is when drinking water, and it felt ok. It felt even better than ok, because I had for the first time in my life felt truly liberated from the grounding fear and rather than be buried under it I sailed over the wave of panic and drifted off to a peaceful sleep. I still have moments of weakness. Where I want to jump from bed and run when the anxiety comes calling, but it’s much less nowadays. I also listen to a lot of Alan Watts, which helps too. Thanks for sharing your story. Feel free to reach out if you ever want to chat about death, as odd as that sounds.

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