Sometimes I Want To Smack People Who Live in Houses

Because I know the difference between a white and red wine glass and I’m acquainted with fish forks and knives, most people think I live in a house, probably with a garage. It’s obvious that they assume I must have bought a house along the way. I did. Sold it, lost money. (It can happen.) Happily now I live in an apartment. As middle class people do in Cairo, Paris and New York. It’s easy to clean, forces you to never hoard and if you misplace something you can find it in 10 minutes.

Since many people I know live in big (to me) houses with garages (full of their cast offs, barely leaving room for their car) and a car (aka a handbag for overflow), and often a cottage (aka large seasonal closet) they have room for stuff and they have assumptions.

These are things that house-owning people have asked me:

Is the rest of your stuff in storage? No. I have old paint cans, summer clothes and a few books in my apartment locker. My gold bullion is with the bodies I buried in the park.

If you want to play the piano why don’t you buy a keyboard? Have you seen my apt? Oh, right you have. So keep it in the kitchen or the shower?

Why don’t you get rid of that walk in closet and make your living room bigger? And keep my stuff where?

How can you live without a washing machine in your apartment? I’d rather have a walk in closet.

Why don’t keep your bike in your apt? I don’t want to sleep beside it.

Printers/scanners/stereos etc are cheap why don’t you have one? Cause I can’t keep it at your house.

You both work and live here? No I weekend in this apt. I work in the south of France. I’m there now.

These are gifts house dwelling people have bought or brought, me.

Large framed photo

Massive plants

Decorative ceramic jam pot on a large decorative leaf to use when entertaining

Coffee machine (like the one at your office) that takes half my counter space

Tablecloth sized for a small occasional table (a what?)

Lazy susan pickle tray, the size of a large pizza

Beautiful bauble the size of my hand for the Christmas tree I never have

Wall calendars

Case of 24 beer

I should be grateful they don’t give me a hose or a rake.

These are generous people so I can only assume they are viewing my home in a rearview mirror, where places appear larger when you don’t live there.