Here’s Why SEGA Should Pay Me To Write A Sonic Comic

Olive Brinker
Jul 20, 2017 · 5 min read

I think that SEGA should pay me money to write Sonic comics. Why? Well, first of all, I know a lot about Sonic. Too much, in fact. The level of knowledge I have about Sonic the Hedgehog is constantly sabotaging any attempts I make at connecting with another human being. It’s a problem.

Another reason SEGA should pay me actual, real human dollars to make them a comic about their famous blue rat is that I know exactly what direction to take the series in, and here’s proof! Below are just some of my crackerjack ideas I’d include in a theoretical Sonic the Hedgehog comic series, that is- if SEGA were to pay me money to write it, of course.

My Extremely Good Ideas For A Sonic Comic

I’m going to make it explicitly canon that Sonic is a Communist.

I mean, let’s stop beating around the bush, guys. Sonic is totally a Communist. Let’s just say it upfront and get it over with. No more teasing. We don’t need to keep winking at the audience like “Yeah, you know he’s a Communist and I know he’s a Communist, but no one say anything. Don’t make it weird.”

Sonic is going to smoke weed.

In my comic, which SEGA should pay me to write, Sonic would absolutely go to town on some of that famous nasty spinach we all know and love. He’d play trombone on some jazz cigarettes. He would upside-down-Spiderman-kiss some Mary Jane. He’d blast more roaches than the world’s best exterminator. He’d be ingesting the devil’s lettuce like he was in a salad bar from Hell. Folks, Sonic would smoke the hell out of some gosh darn weed. And it would be sick as hell. This is all theoretical, of course. If SEGA isn’t cool with weed, Sonic can just vape if he wants.

Sonic can just vape if he wants.

I will get rid of the Vile Egg Shaped Virgin.

Sonic’s adventures are always inevitably ruined by the Vile Egg Shaped Virgin and his various schemes. I’ve grown tired of these egg-based shenanigans and I think it’s time to retire the character for good. Instead of focusing on a singular villain, the conflicts found within the comic will instead come from the exploitation inherent in late capitalism, and from Sonic struggling with his inner demons.

The Vile Egg Shaped Virgin

That’s right, folks. Sonic’s gonna have some inner demons.

Sonic has struggled with his inner demons in the past, but his constant struggle to feel validated and whole in the lonely existence that is 21st century life has only ever been hinted at, specifically in his theme song from the game “Sonic Adventure”. Although the song sounds innocent enough, going through the lyrics reveals Sonic’s doubts about who he is as a person:

There is no way I’m gonna give up
‘Till the very end
I can’t tell what is wrong and what is right
I’ve got to find the answer
But until I do there’s no way
I will ever give up
Place all your bets
On the one you think is right

As you can see in the bolded selection from these lyrics, Sonic is doubting who is in the right and who is in the wrong. To me, it’s pretty obvious: Sonic is in the right. The Vile Egg Shaped Virgin plans on conquering the world with his egg-centric hijinks. Sonic is a freedom fighter who just wants to protect humanity and all of his various friends. Sonic is clearly the hero here. There’s no moral ambiguity… but Sonic seems to think there is.

Sonic looks in the mirror and thinks “am I the real bad guy here?” and you have to wonder why. What has happened in Sonic’s life to cause him to doubt himself like that? On the outside, he seems confident and secure in who he is a person (and hedgehog) but on the inside he’s clearly struggling. My comic will explore this and more.

Actually, I changed my mind. Sonic’s not gonna be in the comic. It’s about Mario now. Here’s why I should get paid to make a comic about Nintendo’s Famous Nasty Plumber

Two words: can you say Game of Thrones?

That’s right, folks. My theoretical Super Mario Brothers comic would crack into the down-and-dirty politics of the Mushroom Kingdom. This is a rich vein to be tapped into. For starters, what’s the deal with Goombas? They’re mushrooms, yet they’re allied with Bowser and his kingdom full of turtles. One would assume that at one point Goombas lived in the Mushroom Kingdom alongside Toads, but for some reason decided to join Bowser’s army and abandon their mushroom brethren. What happened there? Perhaps Goombas weren’t accepted into Toad society. Maybe they didn’t like how Princess Peach governed. There are so many angles to go with this and I can’t wait for Nintendo to give me the money to begin work on this comic that I should 100% definitely be paid to write.

I would solve the mystery of how Wario and Waluigi know each other.

Okay, but for real. What’s their deal? It’s never been explicitly said if they’re brothers, cousins, just close friends… lovers… For some reason, Nintendo is scared to just come out and say it. But me? I’m not scared. Issue number one of my theoretical Mario comic would be the origin story of how these two perverts met.

Luigi is going to go to Hell to fight Satan and rescue Mario.

Mario’s little brother is at his best when he’s put into a frightening situation where the odds are not in his favor. Look at the classic GameCube game, Luigi’s Mansion, for example. Luigi is a scaredy cat with a heart of gold, so he overcomes his fears to save his brother Mario. It’s beyond endearing to see a character overcome their fears to save the day, so my comic will ratchet up the Fear Factor by approximately one thousand. In Luigi’s Mansion, Luigi was simply fighting ghosts, but in my potential Mario comic? He’s going to be fighting demons in the underworld in order to save his big bro Mario. How did Mario end up in Hell? Well, let’s just say he took the wrong warp pipe, and now Luigi has to rescue him. I imagine this will be a year-long story arc complete with twists, and yes- even turns.

I would bring back King Wart, because King Wart is cool as hell.

Look at him! He’s so cool. Bring back King Wart. Pay me. I’ll do it. Come on.

King Wart (not actual size)

Anyway, in conclusion, that’s why SEGA should hire me to make a Sonic comic. Thank you.

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Olive Brinker

Written by

22. She/Her. I put the trans in transit.

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