The Fear of Becoming New

It’s 4.52am and I woke up unusually elated with an added feeling of deep open mindedness. At first I was unsure why I had such a burst of positivity; after all i was just about to repeat a routine which had enslaved me every day for the past 4 years - I was embarking on my daily 1hr 20 minute commute to work into a job i loved but through a commute I hate and still do. Yuk!

But my happiness was for a single reason, after more than 7 years working exclusively as a Graphic Designer, I had literally stumbled upon two pillars of creative output; a process called “Design Thinking” and a system known as “User Experience Design”.

SOURCE: http://www.billyloizou.com/thoughts/category/design

After spending weeks researching all Google and stumbleupon could dish out on Design Thinking and UX Design, I knew what was needed to be done with my life. My journey had started as an Art Student, Visual Artist, Art Teacher, Graphic Designer, Brand Executive, Visual Designer, Creative Writer and suddenly the culmination of such a crazy journey finally made sense. I finally found my multipotentialite destiny. My passion for writing, my hunger for research, my skill in brand design and my enthusiasm for technology helped me realise I was born to be a UX Designer and nothing would stop me.

But when I made that declaration, I had forgotten two things - change is infinitely turgid and eternally unyielding. With self discovery comes one of two things; Power & Fear.

I thought I could hold on to power, I thought I could easily drive the pivot of my life, my career and become what I needed to be but slowly, surely and consciously, fear took hold of me and my struggle was futile. This was April 2013 and I had already failed. I had failed to become myself, to become a UX Designer, my true self.

4 years passed before I would finally take the steps necessary to meet the goal of my dreams, I have had a few missteps, I have stalled, I have stumbled, I have learnt and I have grown. 4 years, 4 companies, 1 failed entrepreneurial adventure, 2 trips abroad, 2 brand communications leadership roles and a life changing decision later, and finally I’ve found myself…again. It took me 4 years and an Israelite journey to get me enrolled in a proper UX Design foundation course with Interaction Design Foundation, learning HTML with SoloLearn, signed up to Udemy to master Axure RP and then in November 2017, a 3 month UX Design Course with General Assembly, Sydney Australia.

SOURCE: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/38984353000224379/

I’m sharing this because I’ve come to learn that the journey of attaining dreams that matter is never straightforward or easy. Heck, staying up late fully dedicated to making my UX Design(er) dream become my reality by December isn’t easy. It takes me not allowing the seed of imposter syndrome take root. I takes me convincing myself daily, that even if some aspects of my work suck, it’s just a process - a necessary evil.

My failures don’t define me, neither do my successes. What defines me is my faith in myself and my desire to make my dreams come true. What defines me is my ability to overcome the fear i feel. I have to become new. Nothing else matters.
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