Mean Mommy. Prologue: tradition
Would you rescue me? Would you get my back?
Would you take my call when I start to crack?
Would you rescue me?

It was more than a year since I wrote anything: part of it was due to me feeling high as the sky, and just enjoying my life, part of it was due to confusion and soul-shattering experiences in my life… and here I go again.
2018 was amazing. It was unbelievable. Even though I managed to find a wonderful life partner, and also get divorced to my then husband - all at the same, I also walked out of this divorce with a solid nest-egg of money. We had a wonderful and pristinely clean apartment in the oldtown of the city, and it sold in 2 days. Also my now ex-husband was saving his whole salary (and he was a hard-to-the-core programmer) to his own bank account while I was paying the bills… and it led to 50/50 split. After ending up with this amount of money to live by, I travelled the world, I tried the best food there is, and drank the most expensive wines… I went places, met faces, and had lots of good times and amazing sex with my, now, husband and father of our daughter. I had it all — great job, money, a man to spend it with, and health.
At some point I came back to earth. I mean- the money is fluid: you spend it, and you have nothing. So I cannot live like this forever, I need to invest and yadda yadda yadda. Job was not so great after all — the boss was mean and definitely a psychopath..which led to me not sleeping during the night, talking and screaming in my sleep and crying for no reason at home. At some point our relationship with my — then- boyfriend became serious, and I had a thought. Maybe we should have a baby? And I should take a break from it all? Focus on family?
I was (note this) great with kids, loved babies, loved this man and I was 30. So what was I waiting for? And we went for it. After two weeks (God bless the success and happiness he has bestowed on us), we were pregnant. And then it all went to shit..
I had no morning sickness — but I had bone shattering cold chills each evening, and no matter how much of a thick blanket my husband would wrap me in, my teeth were literally clinking. Then after regular check up I was put on bed rest for several weeks, and finally went into a scheduled induction due to complications.
After all, I gave birth exactly 16 weeks ago. It felt like death row… lying 13 hours in the same position with tubes and needles in me, after which a beautiful baby girl was born. Sorry — no magic and tears. Just excruciating pain and thanking to God it was over. I am not build for this — I still remember the feeling when they pulled her out of me.. the feeling of relief, of “it IS over”.
Motherhood does not stick with me either. And that is why I decided to write this blog. Its not all unicorns and rainbows — a lot of pain, confusion and to be fair — these words don’t event begin to COVER it (but that in the next chapters). And when you have this helpless creature in your hands, everything starts spinning in the opposite direction. Not in a fun — too much wine kind of way.
But fast forward… to the name of this post — tradition. Tradition.
I have one girlfriend. Always been one for making acquaintances, but never been easy to make true friends. These could be counted on one hand. Yet this women is one who I love to the bone. She is my sister-from-another-mister and that is no figure speech — I feel her in my blood every day. I don’t care that our parents are not the same. This is the person with whom I spent last 17 years. She is my family.
And she is dying.
She was never the one with an easy life — difficult at school (yep, we were classmates), lost post graduation…and then all health issues kept on hitting. Once she was crying because all her 20s she was running around and worrying about getting pregnant, and apparently her husband cannot have children. They stayed together after all those IVFs and devastating doctor appointments. They adopted 1 month baby girl. Somewhere in these years, her mom died from cancer, and she was diagnosed with a disease that basically takes away any ability of movement without pain. This year she was diagnosed with cancer…
However, last year me and my husband went to visit them at their summer house..she was so exhausted, this baby thing was driving her into the ground.. it was then when I decided to take her away. For the weekend — top 5 star SPA, massage, good food, quality sleep and all summer pleasures there is.
We went. It became our tradition: we promised to come back in 2019. However, by end of 2018 we were faced by her in the emergency room, unconscious, and dying..still remember that call from her husband — she was taken by an ambulance, they took her to intensive care, she stopped breathing, she is unconscious…My husband proposed to me that night. Yet, this was like dark could hovering on me..thinking about not even being able to say goodbye. Remember lying awake that night, praying so that she would be ok.
After a few months, she was out of the hospital. Summer came, and then suddenly I became too pregnant to go anywhere, and she was diagnosed with cancer and went into chemo. Tradition had to be postponed. However, she survived, and I gave birth. And in three months we went to a medical spa.
Medical in every syllable of this word. In those two days, I forced her to take of the “chemo patient” hat, and show off her short-cut hair. And she forced me to pull myself together and start doing something to change the shitty attitude of my every day.
I still recall one session in “halo-therapy”..(?).. she was just lying there beside me, calm, with the hat and blanket on. All bones and skin, and so very tired and still. And yet positive, and standing firm. Even though next year we might not be able to do this again…
No matter what — this remains our tradition.
These people in our lives can simply point out our most painful vices and only understanding that we can lose them pushes us to brush up and do better.
Dark times, you could always find the bright side
I’m amazed by the things that you would sacrifice
Just to be there for me
How you cringe when you sing out of tune
Yet it’s everything
So don’t change a thing
We both know what they say about us
But they don’t stand a chance because
When I’m with you
When I’m with you
I’m standing with an army
