Funded graduate research assistantships for students from underrepresented backgrounds

Ph.D., Ecotoxicology

The Smith Lab is looking for a gorgeous woman who is 25 years old, instead of 22, so that I won’t come off looking like such a creep. The ideal applicant should have a few years’ worth of mediocrity on her CV so that I won’t have to worry that her beauty belies any unforeseen intelligence or competence, which would make me feel threatened. The successful candidate will receive a brand new computer and will never have any teaching duties, despite the fact that nobody will understand how on earth she was deemed qualified to join our graduate program.

M.S., Forensic Pathology

Our lab is looking to recruit an enthusiastic young scholar from and underrepresented minority (URM) who we can treat as a . . . servant. The successful candidate will never receive any guidance or support at all whatsoever, and will resort to collecting data for the lighter-skinned Ph.D. students because they’ll have nothing else to do. Should (s)he manage to be successful despite this total lack of advising, (s)he will promptly be berated for not having read my mind and understood my unspoken desires, and will be taken down many notches. The ideal applicant will not be put off by the fact that at least one person of color has quit my lab, on bad terms, every year for the past five years.

Ph.D., Anatomy and Physiology

The Jones Lab is looking to recruit a non-threateningly attractive woman who is still learning English and who is sufficiently unfamiliar with American culture that she won’t question my habit of viewing softcore pornography on my work computer. Although I have no intention of following through on my promises of funding, she should enjoy the opportunity to buy high heels and a brand-new little black dress so that she can dress up whenever a special guest visits my lab. The ideal candidate will be extremely grateful when I buy her a cup of coffee and a slice of banana bread at the student union cafe once per month.

Ph.D., Chemical Ecology

I’m a young assistant professor with a fun-loving, dynamic lab group. The word “diversity” is mentioned in my pre-tenure paperwork but the professors who will be on my tenure committee seem pretty racist, so I guess I’m looking to recruit someone who is . . . transgender? Or genderqueer? Or genderfluid? I honestly don’t know what any of these terms mean, but the professor down the hall already has a gay student, so that’s taken. I guess you should be sexually ambiguous enough to make us wonder if we’re supposed to call you “they,” but you shouldn’t ever do anything that might count as cross-dressing because at that point I wouldn’t know what to say if any of the old white men tell me that you make them uncomfortable. If you look like Ruby Rose and you’re in the mood to pipette for $18,000/year, please don’t hesitate to contact me for further information.

M.S., Biostatistics

The Williams Lab is looking for a student who is Asian, but not Chinese or Japanese or whatever. Did you know there are actually a whole bunch of different kinds of Asians? I always thought, Asians are Asians, and there are certainly plenty of Asian students here, so I could never tell if they count as a “minority.” But the other day I heard that there are Asians who kind of look Chinese but have darker skin, and they’re considered a minority, which is pretty great news because I was suckered into joining some minority something something committee but I don’t have any minority students in my lab, and now the assistant vice dean is giving me a hard time for that. Are you from one of those islands that inspired the whole Tiki Bar concept? Because I think that’s what I should be looking for. If you’re from one of those islands but you don’t have an accent, please send me an e-mail with your GRE scores and an unofficial transcript, plus two reference letters. You can also e-mail me if you’re from Africa, as long as it’s, you know, the northern part. Like, the part that has Roman ruins in it.

And don’t worry about your thesis topic, I’ll tell you about that once you get here.