I’m at it again with the abstracts. A loose thread I dropped years ago while I went off in search of something else. But, here I am again, expressing through color, line, and brush, my inner emotions without the filter, without the translation device. Though, arguably, the title and the caption do provide some guidance, but, like life, it’s not set in stone. What’s written is for me, and not always for the eyes that observe.
So many rules and structures have built up, a small box getting smaller and smaller until I couldn’t take it anymore. Feelings of imposing, faking, not being that…a torrent inside of my head as both market and mood nosedives. My safety net, more art. Perhaps it’s like someone who’s drowning asking for a glass of water, or dying in the desert but needing a reflector to get the tan right just under the chin.
Why is it when I’m close to giving up, I try yet another. The Line, always getting closer and closer yet, never arriving at the decision…always halving the distance, until, maybe, something connects. Always hoping even when there is none left.
A playful dance, the words I wish I could use to describe what’s come out as I embrace this vibe, but more like a fevered dream as I flush more out of my skull. How to organize and control the flow and currents gushing around the inside of my head, maybe I’ll never figure it out.
Each piece is a, ready-set-go, of emotion. Pure from the moment, I’m not considering past the instant which I am experiencing now. Color, brush, direction of movements, all adjusted moment to moment. Maybe there’s an image hidden in the noise that clouds my thinking as I express, but to try and identify beforehand, just shooting myself in the leg. Saying, I want to, or, I don’t want to, nothing more than laying a trap of disappointment for myself. Expectations my enemy, feeling my goal. I know what it is when I’m done and finally see it.
I want people to look at these and ingest as a whole. Try and analyze the bits and it all falls apart. Meant to be a single bite of experience, observe and feel. Like a recipe that only really comes together at the last second, that’s how I feel about these and for what’s coming. Enjoy, like a piece of sushi.
It’s crazy how these reflect a line of thought I started at the beginning of my digital art career. Light touches on the vibe, way back then, but no confidence. Wondering how to bridge my energies, instead I swerved into drawing, animations, away from where I had gotten started. Not bad decisions or moves, as all comes together and adds together in the end, but comparing then to now, it feels like I’m tying some strings together to weave a sturdier rope.
What this is all teaching me, revealing to me, allowing me to access and draw upon, I can’t even guess. I tried to in the past, figure out the answers to all that, but the longer I spent thinking the more lost I got. A curse of mine, overthinking, this series is helping me to rip myself from that groove. To do more, create even when I’m not sure. Just, to feel again. Something other than the dragging horror that feeds my dread of now and the future.
That’s probably why I called the collection these pieces are going into, Spiritual Noise. The base-line of what’s going on in my head, exported. How does my spirit feel today, right now, in the moment? The crazy part is how much it can vary, even moment to moment, piece to piece. But, that’s how it works, how I work. Learning to embrace all of that, myself, all a part of my journey.
