Please, Don’t Waste Your Money on Coming to New Zealand

New Zealand has to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever been to. There are amazing walking trails, mountain views from ocean beaches, and a friendly face around every corner.

With that being said, don’t bother coming here. You’ll be glad you did. And here’s why:

From what I’ve observed, people like to sleep in. I love sleeping in too. However, I came to New Zealand to see stuff I can’t see anywhere else. Why would I want to pay for a fucking nap? I can do that shit at home. I don’t need to come to a different country just so I can sleep. Wake the fuck up, motherfucker. Open your eyes before the sun comes up, eat a nutritious breakfast, go to the beach, and watch the fucking sunrise. Don’t sleep in until 11. There’s no point in that!

Going on with this whole sleeping thing. I’ve taken the InterCity bus to different cities, and looking outside the bus, I can see rolling hills, mountains, the ocean, animals, pastures, beautiful things I can’t see where I’m from. I look inside the bus, and people are knocked out! WTF!? It’s about the journey, not the destination, people! I get that you’re tired, but you can always sleep when you get to where you’re going. Like my mama always said, “You can sleep when you’re dead.”

Moving on. Do you see that bitch ^ right there. Do you see how all her friends behind her are hanging out, talking about the new Marvel movie, or whatever? Do you see how she’s not being in the moment? Fuck that bitch. If you’re coming to New Zealand, get off your damn phone! It amazes me that texting and playing on little apps is something that people would much rather do than experience the awesome world around them. Why the fuck is that? Is your life sad or something? If you look up, I can promise you, you’re life will improve. I went whale watching in Kaikoura (by the way, Kaikoura is a bad ass town) and it was the most incredible experience ever. I enjoyed myself so much. I thought it was the best $145 I ever spent. When we were told we had to go back inside the boat, I was one of the first to enter, and inside was this dude, a little older than me, who had been playing on his phone the whole time. He literally spent $145 just to play ‘Candy Crush’. Why would you do that to yourself!?

Even more complaining on the topic of electronics. Get off your damn computer! Yes, computers are handy. I’m using mine to type this up real fast before I go out and do some more shit. However, at some of the places I’ve been to, people stay in the lounges on their computer from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed. Why? Free Wi-Fi? Because let me just tell you now, it’s cheaper to just stay home and pay for Wi-Fi. Seriously.

So now you know why you shouldn’t come to New Zealand. I would also like to note that with everything I have just told you, I have saved you hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars. You’re fucking welcome.

NOTICE: This post is purely satire! Do NOT be offended by it. Nowhere in there do I say I’m having a bad time, this was purely satire as a way of saying wake up, and look around, and get off of your electronic devices. I don’t think New Zealand is a bad place at all. I am purely pointing out the ridiculous things that tourists do which is holding them back from seeing the country. Yes, I used a lot of profanity, but I was just trying to get a point across. I am sorry if it made you uncomfortable. I am truly grateful to be here, and to be able to see all that New Zealand has to offer. I was not hating on New Zealand, but rather trying to tell people if they want to come to New Zealand, or really any foreign country, they need to open their eyes and immerse themselves in the culture and all of the wonderful things that country has to offer instead of sleeping in until noon, and being on their electronics the rest of the time when they’re awake.