Brady Suspected of Stealing Children’s Blood
By: John Jacobsen | Globe Staff
November 28, 2028
BOSTON — After a series of middling performances over the past few games, Tom Brady wants to rejuvenate his game by any means necessary. Even if those means are nefarious.
After all, an eleventh Super Bowl is on the line.
According to numerous reports from the Watertown and Roxbury neighborhoods, Brady has been spotted prowling the streets at night looking for children from whom he can farm blood to fuel his pursuit to conquer the NFL, yet again.
The spike in sightings of the six-time MVP have sprung up in the wake of a disappointing 35–17 loss by the Patriots to the Miami Dolphins, the team’s third in four weeks. It’s been said to me by numerous residents that they’ve seen that perfect chin and those broad shoulders stalking dark alleys and elementary school playgrounds
“My wife and I saw him sneaking around the other night with a bunch of empty jugs and needles in his hands. It was very strange, he was wearing a black top hat and a very obviously fake mustache and trying to get kids to follow him into dark alleys with promises of cucumber-infused water,” Says Perry Smith, a union electrician who lives in the area. “Obviously, most of the kids don’t go for it. I mean what kid wants cucumber water? But the guy didn’t give up. He’d just walk away whispering ‘TB 12 Method’ to himself over and over again.”
Seems incriminating enough to this reporter. But some have asked, could this all be a mix-up? Has Brady given us any reason to believe he’d be capable of such diabolical deeds?
Well, one clue to answer these questions can be found in the fourth edition of his health and lifestyle book The TB12 Method Volume IV: Unconventional Means to Achieve Sustained Athletic Performance.
In this most recent of Brady’s well-known book, he states the following on page 645:
“Hypothetically, of course, children, goats, or other youthful critters should contain blood which could serve as a means to return an aging athlete to peak performance. But of course we can’t know this for sure, as no scientists have the guts to test out what a child’s blood can do to a man. Some day though… Some day.”
This passage raises a lot of questions. Especially so in light of the last time Brady saw a dip in his playing form.
Five years ago, after a terrible loss to the Indianapolis Colts in week 13, His neighbors reported a shipment of 500 baby goats being delivered to the future Hall of Famer’s home. At the time, unsuspicious reporters asked Brady if he was planning to get into farming, but the 15-time AFC champion simply shrugged the questions off with a theatrical claim of ignorance of the existence of the shipment itself. Unfortunately, no one has been able to confirm whatever became of those poor goats.
When asked about the recent spate of attempted child abductions at media availability on Wednesday, Brady proved as evasive as he can be when he’s sidestepping an on-coming pass rusher.
“Are kids really going missing? That sounds so strange. I can’t imagine why anyone would do such a thing,” He scratched his David-like chin and continued. “But I’m guessing they’ve all been returned safe and sound, with some slight wooziness being the worst side-effect of the whole ordeal. That’s just a guess though.”
When reporters, this one included, confirmed that everything Brady said was indeed true, and followed up with queries about how it seemed just a bit suspicious that he knew all those details about incidents he knew nothing about, the Michigan alum demurred with a shrug. As we waited for him to give a more sufficient answer Brady took a long swig of a suspiciously dark red bottle of Gatorade before saying.
“Guys, I’m a ten-time Super Bowl winner. I can put two and two together without having actually seeing the numbers in front of me,” He went on with A Make America Great Again, Again hat positioned in the locker behind him. “In fact, I can put two and two and two and two and two together and get ten championships. Do any of you want to argue with that?”
While answering he appeared to be getting agitated. As either means of dismissal, or preparation, he started tightening a band around his arm for what he said was for a saline IV to treat simple dehydration after a tough practice. It appeared as if the questioning was about to end. So I mustered up the courage to ask Brady one more question.
“Okay, if it wasn’t you [he tried to but in with an “It wasn’t!” but to my and others surprise I spoke over him], any idea why so many people would say they saw you out on the street at night in a black cape and mustache trying to entice children to give you their blood?”
Brady stroked his lustrous brown hair for a moment, apparently gathering his thoughts. He then snapped his fingers ina moment of revelation. I feel no qualms about saying all the reporters in the room were rapt with anticipation.
“I think I know who it could be,” Brady said shaking his head with a rueful smile. “This sounds exactly like the work of Bom Trady. That old son of a gun.”
Now, I assume you, like the rest of us, let out a resigned sigh at that “revelation” as this is not our first run-in with the misdeeds of the mythical Bom Trady, Tom Brady’s supposed “evil twin” who appears whenever misdeeds occur in proximity of ol’ number 12.
Let’s just think back to Deflategate, when Brady claimed that his cell phone was destroyed by this mysterious character.
Or the time Bill Belichick lost the capacity to speak for six weeks after criticizing the franchise’s decision to trade Jimmy Garoppolo in 2017? Tom said that Bom Trady must have given the legendary coach a bad case of bronchitis.
Or, most seriously, the time in 2021 when, just before a playoff game against the Jaguars, the referees were forced to declare a forfeit against the Jags because all their equipment had been burned outside the stadium in a giant ‘BT’ shape that could be seen by the news helicopters hovering above.
Asked about his potential role in the situation after the forfeit Brady stated, “You know, I thought that was strange too, and I have to say this just has Bom Trady written all over it,” When he saw the confused looks on the faces of the out-of-town reporters Brady continued. “Bom Trady, he’s my evil twin. I don’t know how else to this could’ve happened. That rascal must have set this whole thing up, but hey in order to win championships you have to overcome adversity, and I guess we did that and the other guys didn’t.”
Needless to say, the media was skeptical of this claim, but when the league went to check surveillance footage they found the security room destroyed. All that was left was a single note with the writing “BT 21” on it. Fans were overjoyed. The Pats went on to another Super Bowl that season.
And now, Bom Trady has apparently returned, and each time it’s a more harrowing incident than the one that preceded it.
Over the years, I have tried to find clues about this mysterious and much of it has amounted to nothing. I sought comment from head coach Bill Belichick, but, as many of you know, he no longer speaks to journalists unless it’s to expound upon the herculean blocking exploits of retired tight-end Mark Bavaro. That combined with his ghastly appearance, his skin has grayed and he no longer appears in public without a hooded sweatshirt pulled firmly over the top part of his face, was enough to scare me off from any intensive line of questioning.
So I went to the hoi polloi to get the pulse of the town. Bostonians seem conflicted about the whole situation. For some, it comes down to morals vs. championships.
“I think it’s messed up, but I also think, hey it’s ten championships so some sacrifices have to be made,” Said one man who didn’t wish to be named. “I mean if you told me that Larry Legend could drink kid blood and return to the Celts, I’d probably offer up my own son for that. Kid can’t shoot a lick.”
For others the crime was inexcusable, but they weren’t willing to condemn Brady.
“What’s going is awful. Those poor kids… It must be so traumatizing for them,” said Katherine Choo, a local elementary school teacher. “I really think Bom Trady should be caught and punished because he’s clearly responsible. Tom would never do something like this. Have you looked at his face? That’s not the face of a predator. Plus, doesn’t this evil stalker have long, twisty mustache? Tom is clean shaven and beautiful.”
In truth, I couldn’t find one person who would fully condemn number 12. I guess that’s the equity all that winning gets you in sports paradise like Bean Town.
One final note, after spending all this time talking with people in the neighborhoods Brady allegedly stalks for child-blood, my life has gotten considerably more curious.
To be clear, I’m not accusing Brady of anything, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence either. Sometimes, when I return home late at night, I find a window wide open, even though it’s currently late fall. So there’s no way I opened it myself.
Other times, when I go into my kitchen for food, I’ll open my pantry and find that all my sugary snacks have disappeared and been replaced by kale and coconut water.
Most disturbingly, when I leave the office at night, I swear what can only be described as the acrid smell of brimstone wafts into my unsuspecting nose. Then, when I turn around to see where it’s coming from, I find no one there, just an empty cobble stone street.
But I swear, I swear it to the moon and stars, that when I turn to go I can hear a throaty, green tea-infused voice that whispers, “TB12,” and I know he’s near me.
He’s watching.
TB 12 is everywhere.
Editors Note: John Jacobsen went missing shortly after this story went to press. He has not been seen or heard from since, but in a note he left for friends and colleagues he left this cryptic message. “The Method Is the Key. Follow the Method. I’m sorry.” We are still trying to find John. If you have any information on his whereabouts please reach out the Boston Globe editorial staff.
