America’s Royal Family

The Kim Kardashian Kult has got to be the most disgusting artifact of modern American culture. I use the term ‘artifact’ intentionally. Every single one of these people is a piece of work, and I mean that in the technical sense. Each requires the service and maintenance of several industries (all superficial in nature) in order to perpetuate their carefully crafted appearance as a cohesive, functioning group of adults. Truly, this is a family of appearances, and not just because most moments of their lives are scripted and televised; the Kardashians go out of their way to orient their lives with the values of pop culture. But what are these ‘values’?

A family radiates the values that hold it together. Therefore, it would seem that the glue keeping America’s royal family together is their shared interest in profiting off their mutually accelerating fame. And plastic surgery. At this point, we should avoid invoking the common criticism of certain celebrities as being “famous for being famous”. While an impeccably apt appraisal of the Kardashians, using this pejorative term nonetheless distracts us from noticing the particular qualities and behaviors of these people, which should be scrutinized. Let’s examine the major players so we can get an approximate (and, admittedly, biased) understanding of their values.

Kim Kardashian (and some guy)

Kim Kardashian is known for having a huge fat ass and became famous for appearing in a sextape. She played a character of groundbreaking vapidity on the massively popular reality TV show “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” (along with everyone else in this rundown). Later on, Kim married a world famous rapper and released an embarrassingly successful smartphone app about stardom. She is arguably one of the most successful women in the world, and for that very reason we should reconsider our collective life choices.

Kylie Jenner

Kylie Jenner lied about her incredibly obvious lip injections and now runs her own personal brand of cosmetics, influencing uncountably numerous young girls. She also has a world famous rapper as a boyfriend and got pregnant out of wedlock.

Kendall Jenner

Kendall Jenner is a model and has a famous basketball player as a boyfriend. Very humorously, she apparently lacks the foresight required to infer the perceived catastrophe of integrity and taste that comes with appearing in the shittiest of Pepsi commercials.

Caitlyn Jenner (formerly Bruce Jenner)

Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner is a former athlete-turned-Woman of the Year who embodies an odd brand of empty social progressivism. I can say little about her without reaching into territory that may ruin my life, but this is a fairly ludicrous human being. To become trans in your 60s is one thing, but to claim immediately after that you don’t support gay marriage because you’re a “traditionalist” and “it’s always been a man and a woman” is unprecedentedly moronic (and hypocritical).

Kris Jenner

Kris Jenner is a weirdo who touts the great publicity that accompanied the release of her daughter’s sextape. Need I continue?

Now, it may be a plain fact that the sway these buffoons hold on the unwashed masses makes them tantamount to a national health crisis (mental or otherwise). But does that make them ‘bad’? Should we hate them for their subversion of the overly-naïve traditionalism of yesteryear? Of course not; in this respect, this even makes them slightly refreshing. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t find better idols.

Allow me to digress. Ever hear about what happened to Russia’s royal Romanov family in 1918? Now, I’m not a big fan of events in 20th century Russia (gulags are bad, mmkay), but let’s hope that history actually does repeat itself on this one. Let’s further hope that it does so in 100-year cycles.