Honesty is the Best Policy

Ibby Day
Ibby Day
Nov 5 · 4 min read

I thought it was going to be uphill from here. It’s not.

I haven’t been able to sleep lately. 3–4AM my mind is running with doubt. Last night was probably the peak. I broke down, wanting to cut my time here short, and ready to handle the consequences and get on that plane home. Not even to mention this morning, my piece on the problematic classmate was anonymously shared with that classmate and now I am preparing mental energy to tackle that conversation today. I want out, to not feel so upset with myself but also frustrated that I don’t have that luxury. I can’t afford to waste this time here. It’s a combination of reverting back to thinking I’m temporary and therefore not good enough to get to know. Why would anyone waste their time on me when I’m gone so soon? Half of me is questioning my likeability and the other half is angry knowing this isn’t the case back home. So I blame it on culture shock, my lack of assimilation, and inability to speak the language. I wrote a whole piece at 2 in the morning about how I feel like the three exchange students have been ranked and I didn’t even make the top 3. Sure, it’s a bit dramatic and a generalization of all my classmates as all of them surely don’t see it this way but I see it in some of their actions. It doesn’t change the way I observe how they treat all of us. It doesn’t change why I feel that way. Call it dramatic but how would you feel when you pick up on inequality in actions? I can’t tell if it’s the passing of notes I don’t get, the nicknames I’m not called, or the silence I feel sitting at a table with all of them as they make jokes that you’re just one step behind on. Maybe all of this is a victimization piece and I’m just having a really hard time with my class. I guess I’m at war with myself because I can’t think this is solely a “me” problem since I’ve met a lot of great people. ESN has brought me all sorts of connections and the first-year design class and some of the second years I really get along with. We play badminton together, go to parties, go to lunch, and watch movies. I even have a friend group of local high school boys I play Pokemon Go with and they’re so kind and funny. They’ve shown me around and welcomed me to this city. There are wonderful people here who support me, who take time to get to know me, and I don’t feel silenced. So why do I feel it with my class? Is it the age gap? I’m not really sure anymore, I just know I rather be in a different class. I don’t really blame anyone though as angry as I am. I’m trying so hard to see their side or just existing factors. I think I’m just incompatible with a lot of my class which is honestly fine, but it’s harder to accept when each one of them is compatible with one another somehow and you’re just kind of floating. I think they’ve also just formed this inseparable bond that’s hard to break, which I also have been trying to understand. I can’t magically be a part of something I haven’t been a part of.

But please, don’t confuse this mental struggle and constant breakdown as me not getting something from my abroad experience. I’m learning a lot about myself. Learning that I should tone down certain qualities, that truly are unappealing. Learning to have self-respect, and staying headstrong in adversity. Mostly I think when I return it will make me hyperaware of situations that are exclusive to others. I feel so isolated and lonely that I think I’ll have a better ability to judge when others feel this way and make sure to do my best to help them. I think it’s important for this to challenge my own traits and my own actions and hopefully this makes me stronger when I return.

That being said just because I went to sleep crying and woke up crying doesn’t mean I don’t think my remaining time can be salvaged. In fact, even as tears pour down my face as I wrote most of this, I’m confident it will be. I’m upset my piece was shared with this classmate, but this conversation needs to happen. I’m not mad at whoever shared it with him because I just want something real. Any conversation needs to happen because I no longer have anything to lose. I’ve never been the person to fit the status quo or be conflict-avoidant and as annoying as my classmates may see me because all of these “blog posts”, I’m fine being a roadblock that challenges them on Sweden’s culture. I’ve spent nights hating Sweden, hating class, and I don’t care what the outcome is anymore because I already have to walk into class feeling angry and sad deep down. I just need someone to say something that isn’t so monotonous. Let’s start an argument, I rather the lines were clear than existing in this weird zone where no one talks about very glaring problems. It may be out of kindness, but it’s tearing me apart.

Ibby Day

Written by

Ibby Day

Vulnerability + Design || ArtCenter College of Design

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