How to be a Beemer Elitist

I’ve been riding Beemers for 15 years. I’m a self-proclaimed master at my craft and an artisan of adventure riding. Haven’t heard of me? Well, that’s because I’m the person the professionals go to to get advice. Kinda like the Guru of self- absorbed BMW Owners. I have taken the dirt roads a few times, mapped many a rides I’ll never take, like a champ.

I used to ride “other brands” but it didn’t reflect my ego or intellectual abilities as well as I needed. So I switched. I grew tired of people looking at me funny for riding Harleys with a helmet. I was just too skinny to ride them, my wife was just too attractive to be on the back. I needed a change and change I did. I get a real sense of pride riding Beemers and people looking at me and saying “What in the F*ck is that?” Sometimes people say, “BMW Makes motorcycles? WTH?

My expertise has reached the point of my wife saying “What! another motorcycle?” Not having enough space to store them or time to maintain them was always a goal of mine. I have arrived.

I can’t tell you how many Starbucks I’ve seen in my travels or how many loaves of bread I’ve traveled miles to get to make sure I don’t cut the grass for the wife. Man I don’t even eat bread. I’m gluten intolerant because it’s really fashionable now. That’s not important. What’s important is that I “Look good doing it.”

A lot of riders have practically begged me to share my wealth of knowledge. I can tell by their body language and cold, penetrating stares. They wanted it, but were afraid to ask. So I’ll make the first move.

My follow up posts will cover things like:

  • Buying the most expensive farkles in the world from Toura-Tech, just to have them.
  • How to make a tip-over look like you planned it to test your engine guards.
  • How to build online shopping lists for things you’ll never actually buy at Revzilla.
  • Getting your wife to ride with you: How to reduce your begging time from 4 hours to 2 hours.
  • How to never be truly satisfied with any aftermarket seat. The search continues.
  • Mapping all Starbuck’s along your route in your Garmin.
  • Prepping for your journey to your closest BMW Dealer.
  • How to truly look down on riders of Rotax singles & twins.
  • 90/10 tires are really for losers. I’ll show you how to criticize them effectively.
  • How to start a flame war by saying “Which Oil? Amsoil or Rotella?”
  • I’ll show you the best options for the most expensive auxiliary lights you’ll never actually use, except to demonstrate on YouTube videos.
  • CANBUS is now legal in all 50 States.
  • Which moto underwear is best to hide your love handles.
  • How to buy BMW Patches from China and sew it on cheap motorcycle gear to look like real Motorrad riding equipment.
  • How to avoid reading the FAQs on a forum and get to the “Meat and Taters” of finding out why your bike won’t start.
  • Where to order ADV stickers online to make your panniers look well traveled.
  • How to effectively describe why your bike won’t start on online forums by using key phrases like “Doesn’t start”, “Worked last year.”
  • Engine Maintenance? Bullocks! You only need seafoam and techtron. Those are tools of my trade.
  • How to ‘tickle the carbs’ on an old airhead bike without finding the hairy spot.
  • Reviews of those little plastic caps that cover the holes in the frames on a GS and which are better for touring.
  • The wet spots a K75S leave on the ground aren’t from the weep hole, but the women who melt when they’re around them.
  • A ride review of the 2018 G310GS that will be in dealers in 2022!
  • How Kratom, a herbal supplement, can be used to enhance your riding experience.
  • How to achieve a long lasting erection from a BMW heated seat worthy of a romantic night or a lawsuit. (Please don’t drink alcohol or use Cialis when using your heated seat.)
  • Bar vibrations making your mirrors shake? I’ll test bar end weights to reduce vibrations to get a closer shave.
  • Airbag vests: Getting that extra bounce.
  • If you’re over 50 it doesn’t matter which seat you have. Your bladder will need to be emptied before you get uncomfortable.
  • What to do when a PIAA owner shows up to a predominately Clearwater Owners Group” meeting.
  • Some people swear by using nitrogen in their tires. I use an exclusive blend of 78.09% nitrogen, 20.95% oxygen,[1] 0.93% argon, 0.04% carbon dioxide.
  • Why owning a Schuberth makes you a better person.
  • How to avoid throwing your PC using Garmin BaseCamp.

Yeah, I’m poking fun at myself and a handful of others.

Like what you read? Give Ian Jackson a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.