How to be an AIRBORNE JUNGLE OPERATIONS MASTER
With my 3 DVD series for only 3 easy payments of $39.99 you too can go from a slouching dumbass loser to a AIRBORNE JUNGLE OPERATIONS MASTER!
JOTC only took you so far! Go beyond! Learn the skills I learned from Chuck Barnes when he got back from JOTC.
Brothers of the Silk,
I’m a former paratrooper and combat veteran. I can’t tell you who I am or I’d have to break your already weak brittle knees.
I spent several enlistments and one extension (to get the hell out of Korea) learning my craft, being an E-4 mafia ‘made man’ and what it takes to survive the E-4 mafia once I became a NCO. Getting commo parts by bartering. How to be on time for first formations (Hint: wearing your PT uniform to bed). How to make field expedient antennas for PRC-77’s using field wire and MRE Spoons. Lighting cigarettes with radio batteries. I have actually purchased Quarto DeLibera Con Queso’s in combat!
I miss the Airborne life. So do you. I wanted to create a set of ‘knowledge products’ to share what I learned and help fellow crusty old paratroopers rekindle our glory days.
I was in Airborne School when they had numbers like 42, 43 and 44th Company.
I survived the “Choke N Puke” across from the company area at Ft. Benning.
I suffered through 3 hours of mail call at Jump School with the best of them.
I have lived this life, walked the walk and talked the talk. I was doing this shit when many of you were shitting green. I was shitting green when old timers were learning this shit and they passed it along to me!
I KNOW MY SHIT!
I can teach you the shit I know for money! If you’ve heard of me, others can tell you…
I KNOW MY SHIT!
Did you already know this at one time but fell behind or forgot living the life of luxury in “the world?” Brush up Airborne! Shit’s about to get real. I’m going to rip your head off your neck and dump knowledge into your BRAIN HOUSING GROUP.
Sure, they’re are better DVD courses out there, but not at this price. Not with this wealth of REAL PRACTICAL AIRBORNE KNOWLEDGE!
This is presented as the TASK, CONDITIONS, and STANDARDS you know and loved.
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
- Do not click this link if your pussy currently hurts or has ever hurt in the past!
- Do not click this link if you are a LEG!
- Do not click this link if you are in a relationship you want to preserve.
- Do click this link if your tired of working in a 9–5 job, bullshitting with the Bros, eating steak and baked potatoes, drinking craft beer, riding your iron horse on twisties and getting nookie in your hooch from your friends ole lady.
My course covers:
Meeting interesting people from foreign countries and killing them or at least talking about it.
How to handle the search for a PX queen.
Spend nights in remote jungles reminiscing about just how bad you hated Chicken Ala King MRE’s in the 80’s.
How bad you hated the only clown that actually liked Chicken Ala King, but also respected him for trading his Spaghetti with Meat Sauce.
How to get a rare form of lingering athlete’s foot from the Jungle AO to BUILD CRED among your peers. I still can’t get rid of this shit at 53!
Learn the second thing to do after you make a PLF besides piss.
How to take a cinnamon nut roll from a old C-Ration in ONE PIECE!
When PsyOPS plays “Whole Lotta Love” it’s time to chamber a round. Shit’s about to go down.
Learn survival techniques like:
- Leaving your socks out overnight and sucking the dew from them for water.
- How to wring a chicken neck! Clockwise or Counterclockwise?
- Using 550 cord as boot laces!
- Snakes can kill you! I’ll show you which ones BEFORE YOU GET BIT!
- Monkeys CAN AND WILL steal your gear quicker than a team member in Ranger School.
- Black Palm means your party’s over Airborne.
- How to treat ANY illness with Motrine and anti-fungal cream!
- Touching any gear means everything gets wet.
- How to curse out superiors in your own mind! (From Airborne Andre Medina: AKA “the master”)
- Knowing when your underwear is wet, the party is over.
- That red flashlight lens is actually useful dumbass!
- Taking a P-38 could save your life or open a can.
- Q-Tips aren’t just for cleaning the upper receiver, they can be used to gently clean the outside of your ears.
- How to make Strawberry shortcake from Coffee Creamer, Crackers and dehydrated Strawberries.
- Taking tabasco improves flavor ancient LRRP’s you find in the jungle.
- Drinking you own piss to avoid dehydration because Bear Grylls did it, just means you like drinking piss.
- Wearing Knee highs on forced marches can reduce blisters just don’t tell anyone!
- How to BS cherries to look for drop zone keys!
- How keeping off the SGM grass keeps you from cutting his grass the whole fucking weekend.
- How to get a shaving profile and look like a Delta Force Operator (No disrespect, but we know that shits rocks and we admire it.)
- How to enforce noise and light discipline but turning on your flashight and screaming “NOISE AND LIGHT DISCIPLINE MOTHER-FUCKERS!”
- Yes! A hole in the PTT of an H-250 will deadline an entire weapons system.
- How to wear Air Force gloves the right way.
If you delay, you’re CHEATING your body and mind. Stop writing checks with your mouth YOUR BODY CAN’T CASH. Get a pay-day loan on YADKIN ROAD and BUY THESE PRO-TIPS!
This offer is limited. There’s a “be there time and a leaving time.” Don’t be late to this FORMATION of kick ass AIRBORNE KNOWLEDGE!
Sorry Rolex watch, actual jungle and bug juice not included in this offer. Offer not valid in KY, MA, IN. OR. Stocks are limited.
Stay tuned for my next DVD series.
How to be a SERIOUS BMW ADVENTURE RIDER AT 55!
This will cover:
- Buying the most expensive farkles in the World from TOURA-TECH. just to have them.
- How to never be truly satisfied with any aftermarket seat
- Mapping all Starbuck’s along your route in your Garmin.
- Prepping for your journey to your closest BMW Dealer.
- How to truly look down on riders of Rotax twins.
- 90/10 tires are really for losers.
- How to start a flame war by saying “Which Oil? Amsoil or Rotella?”
Of course you know this is a parody of other Facebook posts right?