A By Night Knight
As a little girl, I had the expectations of stepping up and filling the role of a guardian figure for my sister, as her protector and emotional support, of which my father failed at. Countless nights she would crawl into my bed from nightmares; and we couldn’t sleep so we’d slip out of bed, sit on the floor, and play. The wooden castle was one of few things we owned; it was an escape of reality, pain, responsibility, and betrayal. The castle- I viewed as an escape, but I realize it was a trap.
I still smell the distinctly, fresh wood and feel the smooth walls that never cut my porcelain skin. I still hear the sound of the drawbridge slamming against the surface of my dresser, with a deafening thunk. I still see myself playing at 5 years old, and how significantly big it was to my little hands. I remember sitting on the floor, watching my sister play sometimes, putting me at ease that she was content. In some way, I was also the castle. I protected my sister from the ones you are supposed to be able to trust. I built walls and isolated myself; and whenever I let the drawbridge down to let people in, that deafening sound- almost as if a gun shot of betrayal hit me. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, as this castle in the picture holds my memories, and guards the story that will never be fully told.
Testing the waves
Now my safe place is the beach, the waves crashing at my feet, the haunting yet calming sound that you can’t shake for hours, and the sand burning like hell rising out of the ground hold my good memories. Yet, now my walls not only stand, but they push back as well. Like waves in an ocean or lake, my trust stretches to the shore of my truths and pulls back before I drown in betrayal. Instead of isolation, I allow people in more frequently, but as temporarily as a wave hitting the shore. The ocean is a huge moat around my castle, people can know me at the shore, but not to the core of my existence and past. It is another layer beyond the wooden walls, with a clear blue sparkle in it, deceiving and unreliable. The waves chasing each other, racing towards shore, as I embrace their cooling warmth. The fine ground sand stretches for what seems like eternity and the waves jumping at the sand and immediately retreating is almost a routine. I immediately lose all anxiety and am at peace at the beach. If I ever lose myself again, as I did in junior high I know I can always find myself at the beach.
Let It Go
In the future, I see myself traveling, exploring beyond the safety of my castle and moat. I see myself adding variety to my experiences and taking risks. I see myself near the city, but still in the country region. I see myself with loved ones and having white Christmas in New York. I won’t lose myself then because by then the past won’t matter, my priority will shift to family and working on their future. I can already smell the fresh clean air filling my lungs with cold. And I can already hear the excitement in my grandkids’ voices, eager to sled. I can see the little snowflakes begin to pile on every window surface reachable and the beautiful shine of the sun through the snow. I can already feel the warmth of hot chocolate under my nose as I will go to take a sip. I can already know I will be happy and let go of my sacred castle. One day I will leave the drawbridge down or leave my castle. I will overcome the past and thrive through the present one day at a time. And one day the memories will scatter like snow, each different than another insignificant on their own.