Butter won’t save me

I simmer the eggs in butter and I watch white bloom around the bright yellow yolk. I pull the (a little burnt) toast out of the toaster and spread butter on it. It’s like I think butter will save me.

Have you ever thought about that? That there is no one out there that will save you. That yes, you can pursue your wildest dreams, you can try to do the best you can and if you fail: there’s no safety net. Someone’s not going to take you in and tell you it’s going to be okay. It’s just going to be you alone with your failure.

Not that I was ever the kind of girl that fancied that there would be a prince that would take you and save you and provide for you and you could be in love and live in a little castle and everything would be perfect. Never. I think, even at a young age, we have a sense of the kind of person we’re going to be allowed to be. I knew I would be alone. I guess I just didn’t realize how alone.

But could any of us? Who knew that we would be in debt up to our ears? Who knew our parents would even have a hard time finding a stable job, who knew we might have to help our parents before we could help ourselves? Who knew we would try and try and try and try and try and still have to fight to the death pretty much just to get an entry level job? Who knew that college wasn’t the answer? Who knew that we would all be so lost?

I think that’s the millennial problem. There’s no one else to save us from the problems we didn’t create. We’re out at sea in a world without life preserves. We just have to keep swimming and try not to drown, we have to keep swimming and hope one day we have something to grab onto. But what if you get tired? What if you stop and let yourself sink, only for a little, and let the cool water pass over you and let yourself melt into the blue? You just have to swim back up again. If there’s anything people lost at sea, if there’s anything people who haven’t found their bearing yet need- is to cope and maybe learn to float sometimes. And I think that’s what I need to do. I think I need to let myself float.

Butter might not save me, but it will probably make me feel better this morning.

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