How It Really Feels to Be a HS Senior Right Now

Corona virus, Covid-19, social distancing, quarantine, self-isolation; These words are so heavily used these days, that they have become a normal part of our vernacular.

Thursday, March 12th, 2020. It was a routine school day, but there was an underlying uneasiness that everyone was feeling. We had been hearing more and more about the Corona virus, and about the state worsening in the last couple of days. All of the teachers were hush-hush about the fact that we may not have school tomorrow or for the next couple of weeks, and the majority of the class was getting excited- this meant a break, less schoolwork, and no more getting up early.

In stark contrast to the rest of my class, I was anxious. I had just skipped school on Monday to unpack from our Senior Trip- which I am so grateful that we got to have- but I ended up hating being at home. I remember saying to my friend, “It was so quiet and lonely, and I was just doing my work by myself… I am so glad I came back for Track Practice to be with all of you.” I was upset at the idea of not having school. Even when it became hard and stressful, it was always such a relief to be with friends at lunch, chat in the hallways, and learn something new from teachers in class.

By the time March hit, we (the Class of 2020) had painstakingly poured our heart and soul into every assignment, test, and essay for the past 3 and a half years of High School. We had endured the entire college application process, and we were finally reaching the tail end of the “waiting game”. Now, the fun part was here- second semester- the time that we had all been waiting for, the thing that had been motivating us through every SAT test and college essay.

All of the milestones were finally going to happen: We were going to commit to a college, go to Prom, then Graduation, and overall, enjoy the last few months with our friends in our town that we have been in for the past 12 years of our lives.

Some of these things still happened… we still got our college rejections and acceptances, but we announced our commitments over Instagram and FaceTime. We celebrated through Zoom and waved to each other 12 feet apart.

But everything else is, quite frankly, gone… On Monday, May 4th, 2020 New Jersey’s Governor Phil Murphy announced that all NJ schools will be shut for the rest of the academic year.

So that’s it. Thursday, March 12th, 2020 was my last day of school. My last day of senior year. My last day at Montgomery High School. My last day in the Montgomery School District. It was my last day as a K-12 student. EVER.

Now, Prom will never happen and all of us will never be able to live out our dreams of getting all dressed up and having the nights of our lives with our hometown friends that we’ve had for so long. And our Graduation is most likely going to be virtual, and will most definitely not be what we envisioned it as.

This time at the end of our high school careers is especially pivotal because it would have provided closure for one chapter of our lives, which would have helped the transition into the next one: College.

Without a proper goodbye, it’s going to be harder to start college with the same excited, yet nervous, motivated, and rejuvenated outlook that we all thought we were going to have after a relaxing summer of saying goodbye to the friends, town, and school that have defined our lives for the past 12 years.

Of course, leaving would still have been saddening before, but now, we aren’t able to tie up all of the loose ends that would have eased our transition into the new territories we’ll face this fall.

To preface, and to speak for the Class of 2020: We know that this is not the worst-case scenario. We are, in fact, still very grateful that we are healthy, safe, sheltered, and fed. However, we are also grieving the loss of something that we worked very hard for and that was so important to us- our senior year.

After reaching out to some of my friends during quarantine, I have realized that a lot of us have been keeping these feelings to ourselves because we know how lucky we are to be healthy and safe. I realized that I am not alone in crying to myself, but trying to remain positive and grateful when talking to others because we are aware of how much worse things could be. Being in this position makes us feel like we don’t have the right to be upset and mourn the loss of our senior year.

With our school ending so abruptly and senior year being pulled out from under us, we are learning that with adversity, nothing is ever fair, controllable, easy, or planned for. Adversity just happens to us, and we can’t do much about it other than enduring the pain and hoping that there is light at the end of the tunnel even if we can’t see it just yet. It’s about staying strong and believing that somehow, something good will come out of this and that it will all be okay- maybe not right now- but in the end.

So, I think that it’s ~okay~ for us, the Class of 2020, to feel upset and frustrated- I don’t think we need to suppress these emotions any longer. I think that we have the right to experience and deal with our grief, no matter how “insignificant” and “petty” it may be in the grand scheme of things. Every high school graduate that I have talked during quarantine admits that they would not want to be in our places right now and that the second semester of senior year was one of the best times of their lives.

In all honesty, this is the most “adversity” that we, the privileged, have ever faced- so I think it’s okay that we are struggling and need some time to reconcile this loss. Of course, only as long as we remain aware and grateful for what we do have.

Some people who I have reached out to in quarantine are thriving in this time of isolation- the people who never really wanted to be in school in the first place, but were legally obligated to do so. Some are being productive, efficient, and perfecting skills that they never had the chance to before- whether it’s learning a programming language, detailing their car, or leveling up in a video game.

This makes it feel a lot worse for people like me, and the majority of quarantined teenagers that I have texted over the past two months. A lot of us are actually having a really hard time staying motivated to get work our done, nevermind having the energy to learn or try something new. This is especially taking a toll on schoolwork because now, we are never going back to the place we are doing all of these assignments “for”… but then comes the question, “What else is there to do?”… “What do I really even want to be doing with my time? And do I have the energy?”…

Sometimes, the answer is nothing at all. Sometimes, we do a bit more than other days- but nothing ever feels fulfilling. I wondered why this was happening, why I never felt satisfied, so I started to dig deeper.

I realized that now, we actually have the time to judge the value of our work, and we’re finding that although we were so “busy” with school before, we weren’t necessarily “accomplishing” anything that was “valuable” to us. In fact, we never even took the time to truly evaluate what we really cared about, and what gave us energy.

By “energy”, I don’t mean the physical ability to run or do burpees, I mean what we are inclined to do, without forcing ourselves. What lights our fire, what makes us excited, and what gives us a good gut feeling? The answer to these questions is what gives us energy- and it varies from person to person.

In spite of this extra time that we have, we feel like we should be pursuing passion projects and achieving our greatest goals, but we then realize that we just don’t feel like it. We can barely get our distance learning assignments done, nevermind coding the website we’ve wanted to build for years. When this happened to me, I instantly felt guilty. I blamed myself for being lazy, unmotivated, and for not utilizing my “free time” well enough- but I wasn’t content and kept soul-searching, because simply being lazy was not in character for me.

I made, yet another, realization. I am an extrovert and an empath. I take in what’s around me, and my environment energizes me. In other words, people, productive spaces, and lots of variety in conversation and thought stimulate me. I like to bounce ideas off of others, ask questions, and get involved in lots of different things at once- and none of that is happening in quarantine. This was the reason for my emptiness. This was the cause of the feeling at the pit of my stomach that made me feel like doing nothing at all. This was why I was convinced that nothing, including myself, had any real “value”. This was why I have been feeling so restless and dissatisfied during quarantine.

The truth is, where I am and who surrounds me dictates so much of how I feel and therefore, what I do. I am not using quarantine as an excuse to do nothing. However, I have uncovered why, despite my greatest efforts, sometimes I just don’t accomplish what I set out to do on a normal quarantine day. This is why, as many of my friends repeat several times a day, we miss school. We miss tripping over backpacks in the cafeteria, bumping into others in the hallways, and gossiping during lunch- and I bet that the people who claim to “hate school”, or even the hard-core introverts, miss some of these things too. These small, yet powerful, social interactions make doing work, being innovative, and staying motivated so much easier for the majority of us.

If I were given just one more chance to get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and step onto a yellow school-bus at the crack of dawn, you’d bet I would take it. If I could run just one last race as part of my team, wave to my teachers on the way to class, or sit in the cafeteria with everyone’s chatter around me, just one more time, I’d take the chance in a heartbeat.

The one silver lining that has come out of my (seemingly endless) soul searching has been discovering that the idea of serving others never fails to excite me. I have to admit, I have not gotten myself off of the couch to do this yet, but I have heard about many community efforts on social media and recognized how they have made me feel. Seeing other humans help one another in tough times, shows us that good still exists in the World. It significantly boosted my morale after reading stories about people sewing masks, donating meals, 3D printing face shields, and clapping for Health Care workers to appreciate all that they do on the front line.

I have found that it is very easy to get caught up in your own life, your problems, and feeling sorry for yourself. However, by simply witnessing these acts of kindness, it reminded me that even though we are small parts of this world, we can make a big and positive difference in other humans’ lives- and I am excited for when I muster up the energy to get more involved in community efforts that will brighten someone else’s day and help me find some purpose to my actions once again.

Beyond that, all we can do right now is believe that this will get better, will make us stronger, good things will come out of this, and everything will be okay in the end. So, let’s try and stay strong, Class of 2020.