Redefining a happiness
I sat down on the carpet and looking outside through the window on the 3rd floor room. It was a night and rained. I closed my eyes and opened my ears to listen the sounds of the rain drops.
‘When was the last time I sat down to pay attention to myself for anything?’
About 5 minutes of empty but spacious moment passed by, and I breathed in and out. And repeated. Suddenly I could draw the lines (very thin but gray lines, perhaps) where my breathing bounces off from my lungs to the tip of nose. The lines were then jumped to the rain drops in the pitch-black wet sky, landing on the different surfaces like rooftops, wooden deck, plastic gutters, tree branches, and small water puddles, etc.
I felt peaceful inside. There was the moment. Maybe I felt a little fever and I didn’t feel alright some other reasons. It could have been a cold making my body physically weak. But It could also have been mental instability impacted at work from reorganization (more like laying off, potentially. I already went through several times in the past and never made me get used to it…). Hard. Sad. Powerless. Loser. When very foggy mind suddenly became clear up through the rain drops, giving myself a little room to breath, none of anything was important anymore except the moment that I realized myself searching for happiness.
‘Where is my happiness that I pursue in this life?’
I need to hear what myself is telling.
This is where I begin again.