The life of a modern nomad — a difficult day

Life is the just a struggle. I have been in this country for 14 years; thats approx — 5110 days and today has been the most difficult and challenging of them all. To put it into context, its much worse than facing my PhD viva, first day in UK without knowing anyone and the days I had to spend without actually having a place live and had to spend the “day” in the airport. I still have few more hours to go.

I have been told I lack social skills. I dont confide in anyone or speak to anyone about myself. Any question about me gets difflected to other topics like the weather. This is general rule for everyone with one exception; thats my best friend Pepa. I tell her everything. Dont know why I feel so confident or comfortable with her but I do and I sing like a canary. I have underestimate how much being able to do this matters to me. I realised how much it mattered only today; because I would really love to have been able to tell some one how I feel.

I did something wrong. I will not get into what.. and now I dont have my confidante. We are no longer best friends. We are not longer anything. Being really close to being nothing in an hour. Something I thought would never happen. I am still in shock and I dont know how to get through the day. I will survive this but I dont know if want to. I really miss her and its all my fault. I was an asshole and lost one of the three best things in mylife. Regret and sadness is overwhelming and I dont know what to do with myself. This is not going to be a work of litterary genious but a simple way to get it out so I feel atleast a bit better.