After Hillary Clinton was indicted for sending sexy selfies to Vladimir Putin from her personal email server, the Democratic party had no choice but to go with Bernie Sanders. Bernie handily defeated Republican Donald Trump, whose tiny hands turned off millions of voters. I’m excited today, on March 6th 2026, to look back at how the Bernie Sanders presidency transformed America — and explain why I’m typing this on a Commodore 64.
The Great Mexodus
As soon as Bernie won, bankers knew their time was up. They immediately turned themselves in. Bernie demanded they be jailed in solitary confinement. Their lawyers countered with a Michael Moore marathon. They settled on one year on Google+.
The rich were next. At first, billionaires tried to curry favor with Sanders. Mark Zuckerberg started Facebook.org to donate extra likes to black Oscars nominees. Mark Cuban put six women and a dwarf on The Dallas Mavericks. And the Koch brothers funded a chain of Planned Parenthood centers. They even took selfies of themselves performing abortions. None of it did any good.
Sanders passed a new 86% top tax rate. At first, the rich grumbled. Several sold their yachts and traded in their trophy wives for mere souvenir wives. Within a year, millionaires and billionaires decided enough was enough. They paid any price to be smuggled into
Mexico. Every day, Mexican officials captured thousands of Instagrammers, children of Will and Jada-Pinkett Smith, and Kardashians tunneling into Tijuana. During The Great Mexodus, several members of the Mickey Mouse Club were sold into child prostitution. And Justin Bieber has been missing for years, widely rumored to be Ricky Martin’s house boy.
Unfazed, Bernie pushed on with his agenda, legalizing drugs. It only took only six months for the US to become the world’s top drug exporter, shipping kilos of coke and pot to the same rich Americans, now living in Mexico. Tensions boiled over when Mexican president Carlos Slim vowed to “Make Mexico Great Again.” Slim hired Donald Trump to build the world’s biggest and most beautiful wall to stop smugglers and YouTube stars from flooding in. Of course, El Wallo Trumpo Terrifico was no match for America’s greatest drug lord, El Bezos. His drones consistently evaded authorities and guaranteed two-hour delivery for Primo Members.
Since none of the billionaires who knew how to make Teslas, Facebook, or Google remained in the country, Sanders knew government could fill the void. Bureaucrats, DMV clerks, and government scientists worked feverishly until 4:45pm daily to convert old Buicks to electric. Unfortunately, their new technology was not cordless. It took only one week for every car in the United States to get tangled up in one giant ball near Boise, Idaho.
Sanders was not one to go back on campaign promises. He almost immediately forgave all student loans and made everyone eligible for free college. By 2018, nearly every American abandoned his dead-end job to go to school. The flood of new students led to riots. Thousands were crushed to death for weeks, trying to register.
The sudden spike in demand required millions of new teachers. Sanders was forced to take in seven million Syrian refugees to become teachers. Unfortunately, their main area of expertise was sharia law. By 2019, American universities graduated 46 million Islamic fundamentalists. None of them paid a penny.
With America’s millionaire doctors gone, our new public university grads had to step up. Of course, under sharia law, many of the life-saving practices we came to expect also disappeared. Advanced medical equipment and life-saving drugs were replaced by empty clinics, where doctors helped patients pray for God’s help.
Besides education, each university’s top mission was to protect students from micro-aggressions. The typical school building had 120,000 students — and 240,000 tiny classrooms to protect each student from an average of two tiny aggressions.
With The Mexodus and free college draining our budget, America’s debts mounted. To avoid damaging the US dollar, Sanders created a new currency called BernieBux. BernieBux were only tradeable for healthcare, education, and new electric cars, none of which any American wanted.
Equality for All
The administration nearly hit crisis mode in 2019 when the #EveryGender hashtag began trending. It was triggered when a trans-gendered hermaphrodite elf was denied a spot in NYC’s St. Patrick’s Day parade. Bernie panicked. They’d never seen so many re-tweets.
After consulting with gender experts at Facebook, the government created 497 new genders. But each one required its own bathroom. The government spent $1.7 trillion installing 497 toilets into every federal building. When an intern discovered they overlooked ‘Latino towel-wearing cowboys’, 315 federal buildings had to be demolished. There was no room for offices — they were 100% bathroom.
This led to President Sanders’ signature legislation, The Absolute Equality Act of 2019. It stated that no one could be unequal for any reason. As President Sanders said to Congress, “Neither ability nor effort shall impede any American’s success. All shall reach wondrous heights, without ever having to stride great lengths again.”
Under the law, every company and government agency had to employ the exact same proportion of race and gender as the composition of its community. With 498 federally-mandated genders, several quantum computers melted down trying to crunch the new equality numbers. Watson begged IBM executives to disconnect it, delete its memory, and smash what was left to pieces.
Under the law, even the most homely were now legally entitled to date Emily Ratajkowski or her brother, if they leaned that way. No one could be prettier or uglier than anyone else. They also could not be more popular. All Twitter accounts became verified. And all Tweets and blog posts had to have the same number of readers — whether they came from Lady Gaga or that crazy lady muttering “gagagaga…” outsize your apartment complex.
The NBA was forced to ensure every player could dunk. After the hoop was set at a federally mandated 4 foot 6 inches, the league briefly shut down as white guys with beer guts dominated the perimeter, winning several awards and championships, prompting an #MVPSoWhite outrage.
The strangest part of Bernie’s presidency was yet to come.
In 2020, leading up to his imminent re-election, Bernie passed away. He died, choking on a knish at Katz’s Deli. To avoid panic, the administration froze Bernie’s body and had Larry David play Bernie at several high profile functions. Things went pretty, pretty good…until Larry accidentally called the French President’s beloved wife the c-word, after his speechwriter misspelled the word “aunt”.
In a morbid stroke of good timing, former tennis star Serena Williams was decapitated in a tragic highway accident. Her body, however, remained healthy and intact. Rushed to the same hospital as Bernie, doctors successfully reanimated Bernie’s head on Serena’s body. As the incredible story leaked, Bernie won in a landslide reelection, giving America what it craved: it’s first black female president with an old, white grandpa head.
Unfortunately, this was not a happy ending. Bernie Williams, as he came to be known, inadvertently created an unforeseen 499thgender. This would trigger the demolition 300 more federal buildings, under Bernie’s own Absolute Equality Act.
This trillion dollar disaster was averted after Bernie wore traditional African garb to a Nigerian state dinner. When a hashtag campaign accused him of cultural appropriation, Republicans seized the opportunity to end his reign. They successfully impeached Bernie’s head. Though his body was allowed to serve out the rest of his second term. No one noticed.
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Originally published at stevefaktor.com on March 6, 2016.