July 14, 2017

I woke up at noon today. Barely able to pull myself out of bed. Had trouble sleeping the whole night due to severe stomach pains. After a bit of self diagnosing through google, I’m thinking it’s a really bad case of a stomach ulcer — potentially stress induced.

Some context: I live in Toronto, with a partner (wife), a two-year old child that we weren’t prepared for, and a brand new puppy that’s barely eight weeks old (first time pet owners). I work or used to work in advertising / marketing and have been doing so for the past 7+ years. I was an integrated/digital project manager at a variety of agencies across the city. I went to school for advertising, from there I fell into project management, and it’s what I’ve been doing since 2009/2010. It’s all I know how to do — however I haven’t been doing the best job of it (in mine and other’s opinions I’m sure) for the past two years. Finally two weeks ago I decided to get out with no solid game plan of what I’ll be doing and how I’ll be bringing in income to support myself and my family. And that in a nutshell is where we’re at today.

So ironically, I left / took a break from an industry that was heavily stress induced, only to be feeling it now anyways whenever I think about how I’m paying the bills. Now I know what you’re thinking, ‘dummy, why did you leave without any solid game plan’. And I’ll tell you why. You know that feeling day in and day out. You wake up groggy each morning, doing the same thing over and over again, dealing with the same bullshit over and over again, and you sit in a meeting room, or whatever the scenario is for you, and you think and ask yourself, how the fuck did I end up here? What am I doing with my life? I stare out the window and look at the window washer across the street dangling there and I think to myself, how lucky that person is. It looks freeing. I’m suffocating in this meeting room. I can’t fucking bare another meeting where ten people discuss if the fucking value proposition is coming through, or if that particular sub-brand logo needs to be there, or whatever other bullshit that you can think of… and there’s A LOT of BULLSHIT!

I decided I would rather do UberEats deliveries, pick up a low-stress part-time job, or do whatever was needed to make the bare minimum to take care of my family that didn’t put me in this position of un-thankful stress over and over and over again. However, I didn’t quite realize how spoiled I’d gotten over the years. I got to a point in my life that I lost the ability of the hustle I used to have when I had nothing, and got comfortable with the income I had finally achieved and an increased lifestyle to go with it. But looking back, I would give anything for that hustle again, discard this lazy ass unhappy lifestyle of meaningless things that I’ve built around me these past seven years.

So here we are today. I have some ideas of a business that I’d like to start. My health is the worse it’s ever been and I’d like to get it right again. I’d like to get control of my emotions and my thoughts, and find inner happiness. And I need to get myself and my family out of this crazy pile of debt I’ve dug us into over the past several years. All while still taking care of my family and dealing with a puppy that shits and pees all over our apartment.

Now, I’m not getting off to the best of starts needless to say, but I’ve also got no where left to go from here but up (hopefully). It’s both sort of extremely depressing (p.s. did I mention I struggle with depression & anxiety) but also liberating. And I’m writing this all out because I’m tired of giving a fuck what other people think of me, and most importantly what I think of myself. I’m tired of the pressure and stress that I keep placing on myself with these unrealistic expectations, and now I can be free to fuck up or not and just do whatever feels right. To just do… and be.

I don’t know if there’s anyone reading this on the other side of the screen, but I don’t really care either. I think I’m doing this more so for me to write it all down and put it out there into the universe, and it helps that I’m doing something — hoping that this helps hold me to some sort of accountability to myself, and be on this ride and adventure with you to see how this story unfolds as well.