4 o’clock ennui

Nothing prepares you for a night of complete loneliness. The 4 o’clock ennui comes around — all of the strength that you possessed within unhinges itself in the midst of cold sheets and in between the silences that you dread.

You bare your soul to the four walls of your room, hoping and waiting for some form, any form really, of companionship..but even the walls fail you. Words fail you, Love fails you, everything around you feels as though it’s slowly closing in into your encased thoughts.

I have grown into forming a kind of bond unlike any other with the darkness that consumes me. It feels like home, at times like these. Other times it feels as though a pair of hands are gripping at my throat, slowly but surely regurgitating every thought out of me. It feels this way tonight.

I am indefinitely sad and relishing in every bit of it because only then will I be able to cherish the sun a little bit more. How I’d long for days where the sun burns bright on my pale skin or how the rays echoes itself throughout my whole being. I’ve always liked the sun and its brashness of the knowing.

But tonight, the senses seem to seek comfort in the unknown — in the mysteries of it.

(P.s. I wrote this back in mid-June 2014. So much has changed since I bled like this. Now, more than ever, I am ready to embrace what comes next.)