| the closest, the hardest |
The ocean, that’s what I want to see. That’s what I want to reach. That’s what I want to feel. I’m walking, I’m feeling the sand under my feet and between my fingers, it’s hot, but I don’t care because I want to see the ocean. I have a sensation inside myself, a sensation telling me that I’m very close, but at the same time I’m very far. Misconception. Fear. Confusion. I can see other people around me, but they’re just walking through the sand with no specific destination. They’re just being common humans, talking to each other, having fun, laughing out loud. I hear fake laugh. I hear mean laugh. I hear intoxicated laugh. But most important, what I feel, hear and see is conformism. I’m not going to be like them, I want to reach the ocean. I don’t want to feel the dry sand under me. I don’t want to be surrounded of empty souls. I don’t want to make a fake laugh. I don’t want to stay in the sand all my life. Desperation overwhelms me, my feeling of being close and far at the same time, is gone. I want to see the ocean, but I can’t. I really want to reach the ocean, but I really can’t. I swear I want to reach the ocean, but I swear I can’t. My walking becomes faster. I feel anger, anger because I can’t get where I want to be. I can just be surrounded of others, others who don’t understand me, others who just understand themselves, others who just think of themselves, others who are common. Others that are having a fake fun. Others that are having a fake great time. Others who seem to be obligated to smile. Others who don’t want to become a human that creates a change. Others who don’t have a life. Suddenly, I feel it. Yes, I feel the ocean very close. I can watch it. I can hear it. Now, I’m running. I’m running to get to my goal. Excitement runs through my body. I feel my heart bumping, harder and faster. Ten meters away. Seven meters away. Three meters away. Two. One… I’m in the ocean. I feel myself powerful and happy. I feel myself very powerful and very happy, but also I notice that I feel incomplete. I can see the ocean, feel it and hear it, but no one who I can share it with. Then I remember all the people I left behind. All the people who were enjoying life. All the people who were in the sand. They could be right now with me. But I didn’t let them; my selfishness was as hard as my steps. I feel misconception, fear and confusion again, but now toward me. I want to drown myself. The ocean, my goal, the end of my road, my biggest desire, is nothing. The common humans were happy, or at least that what they wanted to demonstrate, and I’m here, disappointed of myself. Now I can see and hear the ocean, but what I feel? I feel no ocean.