Questions to a (Specific) Transphobe

TW: SA, transphobia, homophobia.

Hi Kim! (fake name)

I hope you remember me, considering it’s only been fifteen months. Can you believe that? A little over a year since we last spoke, when we were both college first-years trying to be roommates. Now, we’re third-years (or at least I am), and college is no longer a new phenomenon, and we are no longer phenomena in each other’s lives. Do you remember why, perhaps?

Maybe not, if I’m being honest. The Phone Call, which I remember as the end, didn’t completely end our connection. You still reached out for math help, once, and I made an excuse and declined. That really was the end, but math help wasn’t the reason we parted, nor was it the typical growing apart, as friends do. We parted because you accused me of wanting to commit SA toward you because I was a gay woman (and probably also because I was trans).

What I’m sure you remember, at least vaguely, is the day it all went down. After all, we were best friends, so I can’t imagine that seeing your best friend for the dramatic last time is lost to the ether of unwatched memories. Meanwhile, of course, some of the things you say bounce around my head even now, because nobody forgets the first day of true betrayal. Nobody can ignore the times the person who knows everything, who you entrusted with your life, stabs you in the back, aided by a parent who bought you the knife and taught you how to use it.

I guess my first question has to be “why was she so successful?” Your mom was your lifeline, true, and the person you felt you had to work to support, even as she was only taking your money and independence in one fell swoop. She took you away from your school, your home, for months, even when you weren’t working. During that time, how did she start feeding you these lies? Was it “oh, Katie sounds nice, but are you sure he” — making sure to misgender me — “doesn’t have more feelings for you than a best friend should?” Or was it less direct? Did she ask if I liked girls, and then started making passive comments, ones that had you questioning your own sanity? Because of course you couldn’t know I was safe — that’s impossible. You can never truly know anyone is safe. But that’s why we have trust —you trusted that when you stayed over for break with me that you’d be okay, I trusted that our long hikes to the middle of nowhere wouldn’t end in a murder/burial. I guess I know where your mom stood, but what about you? When we were professing our platonic love, and calling each other best friends (neither willing to add the “forever” yet), was it all a lie? Or not even a lie, just a truth with hesitation? Did you worry that something would happen before your mom stepped in?

And this brings me to my next question: for you, how much of what you said was due to me being trans? Everything you said that day was either “my mom” or “my mom and I,” so why was the solo “I” missing in action? My mom and I think that you should sign a statement saying that you’re really a girl. We think that you should submit your hormonal records to the school, so they’ll accept you. My mom and I have been talking, and we think you should sign a statement saying you won’t s*xually ass*ult me before we become roommates. So, clearly, the pair of you had a transphobic motivation, but did you? Did you really think that Katie, this girl who was scared of horror movies and addicted to Flappy Golf on her iPad, was a threat to you? Is that why we never met inside, why you said you weren’t comfortable with sleepovers? Was it that bad for our entire friendship? And if so, why were we so close? Why were you okay getting close to someone you were afraid of? Finally, a question not for you but for me, why did I trust you so much, leave myself vulnerable, if I was always seen as a threat? Why did I platonically love someone incapable of loving me for who I am?

One last question, Kim, and then I’ll let you go (Honestly, if you’re actually reading this, then yay me for having the courage to send it, and thank you for reading it). Would you do anything different? Knowing that I had two cisgender female roommates this year, and didn’t in fact commit a sex crime, would that change things? Would the fact that I look vastly different, changed my voice, and seem more stereotypically girl-like affect your views of me? And, in fact, will anything I do change the fact that I was born with an Adam’s apple? I openly lived my life as a girl for the past year and a half, not for the sex, but to feel true to myself. To be a normal gal, have a normal freaking life. Will you ever believe that? And will you ever see me the way I saw you: not a threat, nor in any way tangentially related to sex, but just a friend you once had? A best friend. A friend you trusted with long hikes and trips to the middle of nowhere, but not with being in your room. A friend who you didn’t see as a girl.

Who knows what the future holds for us? Who knows if we will ever meet again? All I know is that I miss you, have for over a year, and closure would be a sweet, melancholy breath of fresh air.

All the love,

Rose (or Katie)