A window-side view and a bottle of Wine

The past 4 days have been hectic. 
They’ve also been extremely fulfilling. Completely unforgettable.

My first Experience Yale-NUS Weekend was nothing short of AMAZING. 1030pm ballroom dancing (with legit holding a girl and all), 12am frisbee, 3am prata, 5am Just Dancing, and insanely stimulating lectures at 9am the next day. Lectures where I stood in the presence of intellectual giants, lectures where for the first time I could feel that the brains of everyone in the room were whirling, racing, just like mine. Great people, great campus, great student life too. I know I’m definitely looking forward to the action 1.5 years later.

Swigging wine with my special friend facing a river, man that was an entirely new experience too. I’m so lucky to have found someone who connects on a spiritual level — the level of synchronisation in our thoughts borders on scary. T’was an unforgettable night, if you would ever be reading this post.

And a good catch up with a close friend on Monday night, talking about things that made her face go red as a tomato. Looking forward to the next outing again.

The weekend certainly was fulfilling, but on the last day of the break before Hell ver. 3.0 began I just felt so… unsatisfied. I just lacked something. I had no idea what it was, and I was just annoyed for a good half the day. Sleep was part of it definitely — the 2 hour nap in the afternoon did lift spirits a bit. But it was something else.

And perhaps now, sitting at a bistro with a window-side view and a bottle of wine with me, perhaps my I have the answer to my question.

I had devoted so much time this weekend to everyone, the new friends I met at EYW, the special friend, the old friend, and somewhat my family too that I had neglected one person that I had never bothered to pay attention to.

I’ve never had to pay attention to this one person, but recently I’ve started to have a lot more dates with this person. Be it in the bunk, or at home, wherever possible. You should have guessed it by now:

Me.

To put it simply, it’s been a while since I’ve had quality alone time. Alone time where I’m physically alone, at a bistro perhaps. Alone time where I’m mentally alone. Contrary to my own belief whereby alone time is where you shut out the thoughts and have an imposed silence in the mind, tonight I had decided to let the thoughts flow. To let my worries about PSP, about the start of hell ver. 3.0, about the long wait I had before a fulfilling 4 years at YNC began.

And usually those thoughts would put a furrow in my eyebrows, a racing in my heart due to worry. But today I had two antidotes that somehow stopped all that. I’ve mentioned it already.

A window-side view and a bottle of wine.

Call me a drunkard, alcoholic, whatever. The wine certainly did help with calming the nerves. And also making me feel classy, feel good. (It was very good wine by the way, I feel the $70 was worth it) The wine gave me a lesson: Enjoy. The simplicities of life, the stuff that makes you feel good, whatever it may be. Like what my old friend told me on Monday, “Happiness is a choice”. And strangely, though this lesson seems so far-fetched to have been pulled from a bottle of wine, I did experience that lesson in reality, and finally understood the core of that concept. That perhaps sometimes I just had to do something crazy like walk in a classy bar and pick up a $70 bottle of wine for myself and savour every sip of it. The stupid things I do that boost my ego, whatever. Perhaps there’s happiness to be found everywhere, just that it doesn’t always happen obviously, like the big things. A dear friend and a great poet, let’s call her Parabola, once wrote,

“the great human tragedy is not in the dramatic, the explosive
it is the subtle unravelling
the drift
the numbing”

And perhaps it’s in the Subtle, the things that pass you by, the “small things” we don’t bother to do because there are always “better things to do” that is also our Salvation. For me, listening to music and falling to sleep with it in the bunk: that’s precious alone time, that’s the small happiness I can get. Just being alone and drinking wine, I never thought, would be the small subtle thing that gives me an odd, satisfying sense of pleasure. An odd, satisfying sense of fulfilment, even.

And watching the cars and people go by through looking out the window also made me realise one more lesson subconsciously: that Life goes on. The constant moving of cars, joggers trying to hit their goals, people walking their dogs, just reminds me that my current problems and worries are just temporary. That there is so much more to life than just the worries we have everyday.

I have always told myself to push myself out of my comfort zone, to better myself as a person when I’m young, while I still have the leeway to fail. But perhaps sometimes, once in a good while (making sure this doesn’t become a habit), it’s good to go back into your comfort zone. To “lock” yourself up with yourself, to truly converse with yourself without the noise of everyday life and every day worries. To let the thoughts run wild, to face the tsunami, with a surfboard made of wine and a window-side view.

It’s nothing short of therapeutic, nothing short of fulfilment. At least I know, I haven’t lost myself.

“Happiness is a choice.”

It’s whether you choose to find it, be it in the grand, or in the subtle.

Thanks, old friend. You’ve paid me back for the supposed support I gave you in Year 3. I’m already looking forward to our next outing.

Note to self: Please, don’t forget to have a bottle of wine, and the window-side view, whenever you have trouble finding Happiness.

A surfboard made of wine and a window-side view.
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