I Know. But Do I Feel?

The June holidays have come and gone and it’s been a whole mess. 1 month for 4 academic subjects (at near full syllabus) should be possible — the seniors have done it before, I’m sure most of my friends will do it. But why not me?

I don’t even know anymore. I know much could be on the line here. Scholarships, my entry to my dream school, even trust from teachers and parents. I know the consequences, yet somehow I just can’t overcome the inertia to really sit down and mug.

Is it because I have too much distractions? Maybe. But I think the real reason lies deeper down. I know the consequences — it’s just that somehow I don’t feel them. It’s literally 2 days before the start of the exams and I feel really, really insecure. Technically I have no one else to blame but myself, and yes I do. But I’m just really scared this will repeat for the later, even more important examinations.

Honestly, I’m just really in a massive state of confusion now. About whether I really lost that drive to study — that passion to learn. About how I will be remembered and the legacy I’ll leave behind. About what truly makes me wake up each day, or was I just waking up each day to just tide through it. About relationships, about friendships, about so much. It’s like a teen mid-life crisis except that nearly none of my friends (I stress nearly) have to go through this soul searching. For some reason my 0 productivity made me write this and just really think about why I wake up each day.

I know my goals, I know my character. I know who I am, what I want. But I simply know. I have yet to feel. Maybe I need some external source to kickstart that fire that may (or may not, because I’m not sure anymore) have died inside. Maybe I need to be intrinsically more motivated.

All I actually have with me now are a few constants in my life that I know I will never give up on — always straying away from the beaten track, enjoying life with the people around me. (wow I realise now that I can’t really even put them down in words nicely hmm) Honestly I’ve been tempted so many times to just be that mugger whose priorities are studying (there are varying degrees of how “mug” this person can be, trust me I’ve seen one end of the spectrum. I’m on the other one that does NOT get you the grades) Plus the self-confidence that just seems to keep regenerating.

The rest? I honestly don’t know anymore. I don’t know how to be productive, how to be less lethargic, how to be be more focused. Trust me, I have read my fair share of articles on how to be focused and productive on Medium (and I think they’re great — I’m not saying they’re not helpful at all) and I know I can be productive, but that only happens once in a really long while or when I’m doing something I’m really interested in.

This is really turning into a really confused rant but back to my point. I know. I just don’t feel. I love the new me ever since that one incident. But the new me isn’t going to get me where I want to go, at least from the way things are going now. As of now given the current situation, (yea always a reality check some things never change) since it has come to this, I’m just going to face the exams with what I have in excess — my confidence. Topped up with (hopefully) exam smart skills and whatever limited knowledge/practice I have. Lots of things could potentially be on the line and here I am falling back on my confidence. Not sure whether I should be smiling when I’m typing this but yes I am. And I sincerely hope I do not have to go through this insane feeling of uneasiness and insecurity. But then again, no pain no gain. I’m just really scared I’ll take too many beatings before I realise the lesson, which by then may be too late already. Time waits for no man.

I need to start feeling really soon. Feeling the consequences, feeling who I really am, feeling my passions, If I’m ever going tide through my pre-university years and get into a course that I really want to do. If I’m ever going to live the life I want. If I’m ever going to have a shot at success in life. Because in my few rare slivers of idealism and optimism, I believe that since Success is a choice, then it should be the most enjoyable one as well.

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