12 months ago, I was a kid living in a constant state of anxiety wondering whether or not I will make my parents proud, whether or not I will live up to the expectations of my parents and teachers, family and friends.
6 months ago, I was this kid with my JEE results in my hand and knew that I will make it to one of these *premiere institutes of the country*, least of all! I was now in a constant state of anxiety as to what college and college life is gonna be like….? Will I meet good people? How will I live without mom and dad? Hostel? College? Seniors?
Now, I am a kid with my first semester results in my hand….. it almost feels like I threw away my first semester…. feels like I wasted a good lot of time on…. wait, on what? I can barely remember….but, yes! I now live in the constant state of anxiety as to what my next 7 semesters are gonna be like… I wish upon a star that they are better… I pray that I make something out of them! Someone once asked me, “What state do you live in?” In all seriousness, I answered, “Constant anxiety!” We, most of us, have forgotten what it is to enjoy life, our lives are mostly filled with anticipations, fearing barely any joy…
My parents, who looked at me with pride all this while, are disappointed. My competitors mock me with their looks. My friends won’t talk to me with the same kinda enthusiasm that they used to. How do I blame anyone of them? Everyone out there has achieved something or the other and I, I completed a TV series and gained 2 kg. Yes! At least there’s something I didn’t lose. I see people slowly discovering their way to what they want to do with their lives. All I see is nothingness. Oh God! What a good-for-nothing person have you created! Why me? Why am I not blessed with any talent others look up to? Every Time I think I can do something well, I see someone else doing it better than me. I’m so done with this place, people, myself and this life.
Wait..this life…this whole life that lies in front of me….untouched, unbuilt …Just one spoilt semester and is it all gone? No..of course not. Had the first semester decided our lives, Einstein would’ve been the most useless person ever. Okay, I’m not comparing myself to him but..you never know :p No but Have I just been over thinking? Is it all just in my head? Maybe…I.m pulled out of my imagination by my phone.The screen is flashing ‘Mom’. Oh damn! Is dad angry again? One of his colleagues’ son must have topped his sem. These friends of your parents I tell you… Anyway, I pick up the call.
‘Beta, I just called you to tell you that me and your papa are coming to see you this weekend. We were all planning to go to visit Mussoorie.”
“B..but.. Isn’t dad angry? I thought he was not going to talk to me for days”
“Angry? Oh yes he was, but that’s because he wanted you to realize that you have to make use of your college life. He’s concerned about you my boy. And now that we know you’ve realized your mistake, It’s all good. There’s a long way to go baccha, Abhi kuchh bigda thode hi hai”
“Haan ma…come soon..I miss you both so much. I’ll call you later. Love you”
“Love you too beta.”
Hmm… Abhi kuchh bigda thode hi hai… Is that true? It must be..moms are always right. And actually… I have 7 semesters in front of me which I can definitely excel. 7 good SGPAs and one bad one will compensate that i think. And I heard someone say, SG jitni buri hoti hai, improve hone ka utna hi scope rehta hai…apna toh bohott scope hai boss. :P Anyway, I should really throw all this ‘I’m-so-useless’ junk out of my mind.Why do I have to know what I’m going to do after 4 years? What am I? An astrologer? Talking about strengths, umm…I have some hobbies, but the passion for something just like everyone else has, no. But does it remove that from my strengths?
Passion or hobby, strengths remain strengths. It’s not something to bang my head upon if I don’t see life in a mainstream way. Talking about friends, why would they judge me on the basis of what I’m doing with my life? Sure they can be concerned, but judgemental? No way, as long as they actually are my friends. Dear self, please stop thinking so little of yourself, You’ve made it to this place just like everyone else has. You’re going to build your life beautifully. Just have faith in yourself. As I’m lost in these thoughts, my phone beeps, a text from my roommate.
“Hey buddy! Come to the students’ club, we need some good snooker players in here. See you in 30”
I leave with a wide grin on my face…
( To every first yearite who started the semester with the line ‘phod denge’ aur unhone *literally* phod dia…Koi nai, hota hai.. :P )