Intimate relationships, whether romantic, casual, or professional, are built on the basis of reciprocity. This means that we are more likely to feel close to someone who is willing to go out of their way for us, even if it means inconvenience or risk to themselves.
In this article, I will explore the concept of reciprocity in the context of casual friendships. I will argue that the level of intimacy we feel with a friend is directly related to the level of reciprocity in our relationship. I will also provide some examples of how reciprocity can be used to build stronger bonds with friends.
I believe that reciprocity plays a key role in how closer or farther people move in our friendship journey. I am not just talking about someone doing something for you and you feel obligated to return the favor, we all feel that as humans even among enemies. You have seen where warring groups return a good deed for another out of respect, that is the law of reciprocity playing out because we are humans and it is ingrained in our DNA. I am talking about reciprocity that goes beyond the norm, that bends backward, that inconveniences and sometimes even put us at risk. That is the reciprocity that builds intimate friendships, this is true for my life.
I have kept people closer or far from me depending on how we both honor this law of reciprocity. If they bend over for me, will I be able to do the same for them? This is why, I can truly call myself your friend when I know I can inconvenience myself greatly for your sake. All my life I have lived by this principle and honestly, I have been burnt because of it by people I gave access to my inner sanctuary but I stayed in their outer courts. This is life and we must live it, periodically, I access the people close to me and see how we honor or disregard this principle and adjust our closeness based on that.
Now what do I mean by reciprocity that is inconveniencing? If the only ‘inconveniencing’ thing I do for you is giving you free graphics design, free business advice, or honor your invitation to talk with your group, then we do not have an intimate friendship, you are not in my inner sanctuary. This is me doing my work on Earth, and I do this for EVERYBODY, even people I am just meeting without knowing a thing about them. If the only inconveniencing thing my banker friend does for me is helping me facilitate bank transactions, help with a cash crunch, or even financing advice, that is not an intimate friend, he/she is just doing their work. They do the same for other customers and the only thing they know about them is their names. This is because buried in our human DNA is ‘goodness’, you see this in every child out there. We always want to help, this is why we learn to hate or to do bad things but never learn to do good, because we are good deep down. You are truly close to me, when I go beyond the things, I can easily do for you and do the hard part, the part that truly costs me something. Can I leave my home at an ungodly hour to come to pick you up where you are stranded, can I take a detour to visit you at work with the rise in fuel cost in Nigeria today, just to cheer you up, can I truly put myself in harm's way for you? If I can do any of these, then you are a close friend and not just someone I know.
Maybe you have not noticed but you may also group people like I do in your life with this principle of reciprocity. Also, maybe the reason that ‘friend’ does not feel like a friend to you is because you do not honor this principle especially when they do that for you. I have a friend that I almost lost because I stopped obeying this principle, our friendship was built on obedience to this principle, and over time, I allowed life’s worry to drift me from reciprocating this principle. This of course caused a displacement in our relationship level, and when I realized I had to intentionally work my way back in, because this friend is someone I can always count on to break their back for me.
A relationship that further strengthens my opinion on this is our relationship with God. When He provided, protected, blessed, and so on, we concluded it is God doing His work. As much as we appreciated and worshipped for it, it did not build intimacy in our relationship with Him, everyone was doing their work, God provided and we worshipped. To change this, God had to undertake the most inconveniencing project in my opinion, He had to strip Himself of His divinity, descend to our lowly self, interacted with us, and died a humiliating death for us. This singular act has endeared billions to Him today, not because He created the world and He is God Almighty, but because He died as a man for us, today we enjoy an intimate relationship with Him on this basis. If this principle could apply to the Creator, how much more me and you, at least this is my thinking. We are good to people, however, if I can’t bury the body with you in the dead of the night, then you should not count me as a close friend.
For me, I always try to initiate the first inconveniencing moves and over time study your response or reciprocity, then I can confidently place you at the level I believe you belong. As I said earlier, others have judged me by the same standard as well, I won some and lost others, and I am fine with that because it is life, and not everyone will be close to us.
If you are looking at building strong bonds or close relationships across your personal and work life, I strongly recommend you try this principle. This may be the missing link you have been looking for in building closeness with your customers. As a business, when you go over and above for your customers, you are building stronger ties with them, ties that may end up cutting across generations. This can be offering a helping hand in a chaotic situation with a customer, it can be something as little as waiting, it can be offering an additional service outside your scope because it helps the overall project, it can be promoting the business of your customer, there are many opportunities to go over and above for your customers and they will see the sacrifice because it goes beyond your work.
I will love you to share your thoughts especially if you disagree with me.
