Too Little Too Late

Regret was never part of my vocabulary, until now.

He’s right, though, I made a choice and now I’ll have to live with the consequences of not seeing it sooner how he’s good for me.

You know, when it comes to relationship, I suck. You probably already know that because most of my relationship pieces are all about how sucky I am it. The fact of the matter though is that I never seem to learn from my past mistakes, or rather I refused to see those mistakes for what it was.

See, until recently, I was always the dumpee, never the dumper. Little Miss Dumped — yep, that’s me.

I had a really loving and caring relationship until last Friday. My over-thinking got the best of me. I decided to walk away from Mr. Right.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
No, The Perks of Being A Wallflower, that wasn’t my problem.

My problem was, I expected more when I knew that what I have is what I really need. He was patient. He was kind. He cared. He made time for me whenever he can. There’s nothing at all wrong with him. He only brought out my best qualities, but that too I refused to see for what it was. I literally took him for granted, neglecting to take into accounts his feelings.

See, that’s another problem. I only considered mine — my this, my that — when relationship is about two people.

We talked last night. To be honest, I didn’t expect him to reply. Even more so kindly, and with tact. He genuinely cares, cared, cares. He does care. He never had any ill intentions. He never expected more. I was enough for him but somehow I didn’t show him nor did I acknowledge that that was the case with him too. He was enough, more than enough in fact for me.

Oh yes, I said it happened last Friday. I won’t go into details but I’ll tell you this:

  1. When you’re talking to someone and it’s a fun topic like K-Dramas (my current and latest obsession), you stick to the bloody topic.
  2. If you’ve typed out something reasonable knowing full well that you’re actually hangry (because you’re trying so hard to lose weight since everyone says you’re fat and ugly), take a breather, re-read the typed out message — if it’s meant to avoid arguments only you press send.
  3. Don’t copy, paste the nice message and keep it elsewhere only to type something nasty and mean instead.
  4. Don’t you dare send that nasty and mean message. You’ll regret it.
  5. Never let other people dictate how you manage your relationship, especially when they don’t even know your other half, or you for that matter.
  6. But let them offer advise if they have any, or have to. Remember that you’re mature enough to know better unless you’re like me who can sometimes be so childish, she doesn’t know any better.
  7. Your relationship is between you and your partner. Communicate with each other not to the rest of the world.
  8. Also, trust your partner the way your partner trust you. If he says a, it’s a. Unless he gives you every reason to believe that he really meant b, c, d or even z.
  9. When you’ve made the wrong choice of letting someone good go, you gotta live with the consequences. Even if it means you’ll be miserable for the rest of your life.
  10. Okay, so point number 9 is an exaggeration, but still, you can ask nicely to be forgiven and granted another chance — this time, the choice is in your (former) partner’s hands.

What if he said, “no.” you ask?

Well, I’m trying to figure things out right now myself. *nervous laughter*

One thing I do know is that, he’s a great guy who deserves so much better than I have to offer.

Now, I can only pray that he does find the one — someone worth it, worthy, worth the wait, pain and suffering (less of this last two obviously considering how he’s suffered enough with my petty selfish self).

Now, I can only pray for his happiness, success and good health. I can only pray that he’ll forgive me someday, but won’t forget me — hopefully it’ll be in a good way.

You see, I was too caught up (not with fairytale endings but) with what other people had to say about OUR relationship. What should be happening. How it should happen. I forgot that he and I, we’re both the writer of our relationship, our love story. And now, it’s too late.

Anyway, before I start to sound like that crazy ex-girlfriend, please know and understand that he’s not the problem. I was. Or rather, I went and created problems where there wasn’t any at all if ever.

(i) Phil Kaye and Sarah Kay’s When Love Arrives is spot on though but it’s still not how or what our relationship should be like. That’s just a gist of it. The rest of your love story is in your hands. You hold the pen, and so does he — your co-writer.

(ii) Lang Leav talks about love and heartbreak all the time, but that’s her experience. Not yours. Sure, some may resonate with you, but more often than not, it’s a whole other level completely. Different circumstances — different people, different feelings, different thinking. Don’t get caught up on inked words when you can still re-write yours.

To the guy who gave me the best 5 months of my life (okay, late 20s), thank you so much for all that you’ve given me and all the lessons you’ve taught me. I owe you a lot and I’m sorry I can’t repay you. Love, always.

To everyone else, love is given to us on borrowed time. Don’t take it for granted. Make it work if it is in fact what you need, more than want.

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