Not ambitious?
Today, in the course of a conversation, someone mentioned to me that he didn’t get the sense that I was ambitious. After rotating my neck by 45 degrees and slapping my eyelids in ‘’wait what’’, I had an emotional response to the observation.
‘’Was I living life so terribly that this person thought I had no grand plan for my days on earth?’’ “ Had I internalized the predilection of being female and ambitious and consequently behaved less ambitiously as a result?’’ ‘’What have I become?’’
And even though he tried to explain logically, I must admit I marinated in my emotions for a few more hours afterwards.
That conversation got me to have several conversations of my own with myself.
This person who by the way I completely adore, is not the first to throw around this perception, and it is perhaps a natural inference because I get so involved in the lives of others, people often assume I have no needs, no desires and possibly no ambition of my own but nothing could be further from the truth.
I was raised by intentional parents, they catered to and influenced my natural abilities which often oscillated between leadership and great care for others. My leadership abilities growing up was often rooted in multiple talents that I am privileged to house, I sang best, debated best, spoke publicly the best and while it wasn’t always a ruthless competition, I must admit that I was mildly competitive. As a teenager, I exhibited now and again, bouts of pride, was a snob, was very bossy and thought I knew everything.
At the point when I started thinking I was better than others, my parents removed me from my plush school and put me in another school that was less plush and got me to take public transportation to school till my brain was reset. It also ‘’didn’t help’’ that they are lovers of Jesus so they taught me that leadership was deeply rooted in servanthood. I was not better than anyone and no one was better than me.
As an adult, in the caring for others and investing in people, many people often assume that I didn’t possess leadership traits and where they thought I did, they assumed the leadership was done exclusively in the service of others.
LOL.
Through the different phases of my life, one thing has always been constant, the desire and determination to be successful. The HOW may have been modified by life experiences but the desire and the realization that the only way to good success is through hard work remains largely the same.
I admit that I downplay my strengths, my successes and sometimes have to deal with the imposter syndrome but dang, I am ambitious. I say this both as a reminder to myself in pursuit of my dreams and aspirations
The challenge has always been for me — the balance. I admit that within me lies a b****h who drips sarcasm, can blank people out in a moment’s notice but is constrained now and again by the love of a savior who insists that I must love others as much as he loves me. This also presents a problem where my meekness is often translated to mean stupidity or presents an opportunity for others to take advantage of or manipulate me till my other side shows up.
It is why it is almost comedic when I address those situations and these people seem ‘’surprised’’
I guess it is then necessary to have the conversation as to what ambition really means. And as pointed out by the you-know-who, who started the conversation this afternoon, ambition is not evil. We have just associated the word with negativity and ruthlessness.
We have associated ambition to mean climbing on people as we rise, eye-service, back-biting, arrogance, bullying and every other irritating quality we ascribe to those we consider ambitious. It is even as bad that people think once you a run a business or establishment and don’t cut corners, then you definitely don’t know what you are doing.
Ambition is ambition but the intensity of dreams often differ and the how is subject to personal values.
Now that I have gotten this off my chest, what do you think?
Personal Ambition: an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment.
