Not today, Satan!

The alarm rang at 4.00am, I mulled over laying there for another 5 to 10 minutes mentally calculating if it would seep into the time required to complete the packing and whatever else I wanted to do. I instead chose to play the music that always gingered my soul — Alagbada Ina and thanks to the Bang and Olufsen feature, I could hear the music play as I walked round the house.

5.00am, set to go, driver had arrived, headlights on, medium speed, the Champion track playing, traffic lights, feeling slightly unsettled, rang Ugochi, the prefect person to plan an airport rendezvous with, dark mist slowly giving way to light, vehicles on the other side trying to avoid the dreaded traffic, mental notes, few winks and just like that, we are at the airport.

Picked up stuff from Ugochi and strolled into the airport at 6.20pm, I smiled, Shero, always on time, the first of her kind.*Flips wig*

As I handed my reference number to the lady behind the desk, she smiled and told me the flight had now been rescheduled to 7.40am. I slightly felt the need to say something but I had listened to Alagbada Ina first thing in the morning so naturally — Not today Satan!

I peeped the long queue trying to get into the waiting area and decided I would rather seat in a food court and catch up on some work. I opened my laptop, plugged in my earphones and listened once again to The Champion by Nathaniel Bassey and managed to complete 3 out of my 1 million tasks.

At 7.20am, I lifted my earphones to hear them announcing that flights to Ilorin-Abuja on Medview was now boarding. I was like…whaaaaaaaaaaatttt. Ilorin? How? No one told me this now. Again, not today satan.

We took off at about 8.10am, I kid, I was fast asleep but I think my internal clock registered that. We arrived Ilorin at about 9.00am and then they kept us waiting for another 30–45 minutes. Ehn ehn. By this time, the fella behind me started vibrating, ogbeni had a 10am meeting and we were faffing around in Ilorin at 9.30am. The dude was not having it and soon enough the expletives starting making the rounds. Ghen ghen.

Other passengers joined in, the fone-speaking Nigerians, the awon omo-ita and the analytical correspondents. While those above were busy bemoaning their travails, the sharp ones began conversation with people they had been eyeing on the plane, suddenly ‘’what do you do’’ ‘’how long are in Abuja’’ ‘’here is my card’’ conversations began around me. And I was like wwhhhhaaaaaaaat. Warrisalldis.

Our Pilot decided to be mute, no one was explaining anything. At this point, some French guy got upset and spoke harshly to the flight attendant. She in turn decided she was not having it and did the ‘’Talk to the Hand’’ thing and I was like wwwwwwwhhhhhhaaaatt. The lady in the adjacent aisle told her off and I am just there praying, Lord take this cup away. I can’t.

And he did, pilot lost his mute affliction, spoke words I didn’t understand and got the plane up in the air ati bee bee lo. We sha arrived Abuja and were circling for another 15 minutes for reasons best known to Uncle Oga Pilot.

So note to self, avoid Medview like a plague so your song can continually be ‘’Not today Satan’’

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