One day, it will all fade away. Everything we hold precious will perish before us. The burdens we cant bear on our backs will crash into oblivion. And when it does, what will remain?
Faith. The F-word that saves soul and transform lives. The true lens in which life could be viewed through. Abraham’s fuel that drove him to foreign lands. The language in which contentment speaks. The ammo in David’s pouch that brought down giants. The sole essence that God Incarnate exuded during His earthly visit.
And the very thing I’m struggling to hold onto at the moment.
Struggling To Hold On
Faith is the only consistent currency in my pocket. Yet I don’t know if I’ll have enough to make it through the day.
What little faith I have at the moment, I know that it’s enough. When frustrations turn to fruition, it was faith that did it.
I apologize for daydreaming during sermons and having nightmares about my unworthiness. I cringe at every instance of sin that could have been avoided but indulged in anyway.
This doubt is a shadow I seek shade under. The light from their eyes when they ask me how I’m doing; why can i never tell them that I’m going through wars and crumbling mountains?
Another battle with pornography. A struggle with insecurity. Constant wrestling with unworthiness. I think the problem is that I’ve lost my faith in people.
They too tend to fade into the background. Only coming out if they need me for something. Or I’m a charity case and they need to feel good about themselves. It’s hard to believe that selfless love exists. There’s always a price to pay.
Maybe my problem is with God. Maybe He’s not hearing me loudly when I ask him for a girlfriend to never leave me. A stable job in my preferred field. Or even just enough money to pay the bills. All of these first-world comforts that won’t guide me to the new world.
Still I Press On
My arms grow tired of sowing the same seeds of faith, hoping for immediate growth. I’ve seen the same promises vanish before my eyes. Today I have faith, but what about tomorrow?
I don’t know what I’m doing. Have all my striving over the years led to nothing worthwhile? Even when I get close to an answer it becomes another question. Am I wasting sunshine and moonlight trying to forge my own path?
It’s all vanity. Yet it doesn’t define me. Faith is holding on to what I once accepted as true, despite my changing moods.
I’m not fully okay right now. And that’s okay. For when all other names fade away, may my faith praise the only God that remains unchanged.