Validation: A Quest For Self Love
“All Things Align”, one of my favorite sayings I’ve ever come across coined by one of my favorite tweeters Majesty Ria.
Over the weekend, I was forced to confront some really uneasy feelings I have about myself that have much to do with validation and self love. Someone I respect and “look up to” shared some feelings about sexuality and at first it didn’t bother me but as I sat in my car for the long drive home from visiting them, it festered in me. “Why would she feel that way?’ “What does that mean?” “She said spiritual, here we go with that shit again…” “IS there something wrong with me?” *PAUSE* It hit me like a ton of bricks in that moment… her feelings and thoughts bothered me so much because of how I felt about me. The stuff I had choked down, swallowed, and hid in depths of me. All the trauma, the ways I had been treated, things that were said to me about this topic began to simmer. I wanted to be mad at her, I wanted to feel a way about it, but I couldn’t because all of it was about the validation I needed. That I never knew how to give myself so I never could. (There is something to be said for the conditioning of outward validation by society but I don’t wanna focus on that because it’s another place to place blame instead of now taking responsibilty). And still out here telling myself, I do, yet still looking for it in other places.
Flash forward to Wednesday, Valentine’s Day and the day one of the podcasts (The @330 Podcast) I produce records and what is the subject? Love and relationships. They started the episode out talking about the different types love. They talked and I listened as I continued to engineer. Today, I happened to be strolling the twittersphere and I came across a video about killing romance (roman-antics). And the very first thing the hosts (Daddy Shiva & KaliHaveMercy) dive into is the types of love. When they got into PHILAUTIA (Self love) on Wednesday, my thoughts began to swirl until I found that youtube video where they summarized all my thoughts on self love. All things align.
For the sake of my brain power, I’m only going to focus on self love. I employ you all to do your googles about all the others.
“PHILAUTIA” OR SELF LOVE
The Greeks understood that in order to care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves. This form of self-love is not the unhealthy vanity and self-obsession that is focused on personal fame, gain and fortune as is the case with Narcissism.
Instead, philautia is self-love in its healthiest form. It shares the Buddhist philosophy of “self-compassion” which is the deep understanding that only once you have the strength to love yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin, will you be able to provide love to others. As Aristotle put it, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man’s feelings for himself.”
You cannot share what you do not have. If you do not love yourself, you cannot love anyone else either. The only way to truly be happy is to find that unconditional love for yourself. Only once you learn to love and understand yourself, will you be ready to search for the spiritual freedom of the Self.
As I look around myself and out to those closest to me, I see a pattern. The form of self love we so valiantly claim is actually narcissistic at best and still rooted in validation from outside sources. Consider, how we use and relate to social media. We even use conversation about self love, self care, ect as a form of outward validation in the form on retweets, re-blogs, likes, dms, and stories. It is scientifically proven that we are addicted to notifications because of dopamine. I realized how much we pacify ourselves with all kinds of things, especially social media, all in avoidance of self and the issues of self. Constantly masking our issues with actions that suggest we are no longer dealing with that issue. Pouring syrup on shit and calling it pancakes.
It all breeds narcissism because we aren’t actually dealing with ourselves. In, the video Daddy Shiva said, “You only love yourself when other people are giving you attention.” In the video, they began to speak about their ideals on self love which confirmed the stuff I had been thinking. Self love is not cute, pretty, or is easy. “Self love is being willing to cut off your whole head for your own greater good.” — Daddy Shiva. (Countless gems in the video, link below). It reminded of two quotes I’ve known for some time but now have a completely different meaning. Well the first one quote, I had come to new understanding at the night of the podcast, which was…
“You have to continue breaking your heart until it opens.” — Rumi
If my heart is whole of all these things (false self love, self loathing, outward validation and approval) I must break it so that it opens. I must face all the ugliness inside me, so that I can love myself. I can validate myself. Stability in my root charka creates security. If I feel secure in myself, I will love without fear. Heart chakra activiation. The second quote was from Jesus Christ. In Matthew 5:30 WEB, Jesus said,
“If your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off.”
Both these quotes tell me, I must be willing to do whatever is necessary for the greater good. The issue, I find is so much of my identity has been tied to all of that stuff for so long. I feel as if I’m ready to let go and become a better newer version of myself, I just wish I knew what all that emcompassed. All the little action items, I can’t readily see.
Link to vide: https://youtu.be/ZTmnJYDllro