Look at yourself as you look at a stranger crying for help.
Have you told your therapist how you feel about your sessions? I’m a stranger to this field but I’m assuming they should make you feel at least somehow relieved, if not fully liberated…I dare say.
Spreadsheets and scores would make anyone feel analyzed in order to be placed in a certain category that would be treated in a certain way with certain meds. It turns anyone into “a case” that not even their names matter anymore.
It sounds like they don’t touch your soul, they don’t connect with you by healing, soulful listening and empathy; instead it comes an analytical, cold procedure and a flow chart that would lead to a potential right chemical treatment.
Maybe it’s not the absence of a garbage bin for the teared tissues that makes you “take your tears home with you” (I love the way you said it).
“Who sees my life written on scraps of paper. Who decides if I’m a fit human being? Who the hell knows me and how the hell can they know who I am from a score sheet?”
That doesn’t matter TO YOU. Try to find the soul behind that “stone face”. Ignore the score sheets. And yes, talk and cry a little more, “re-live the embodiment of your life” until you get exhausted and sick of it. “Die inside” as many times as you need to, until you cannot die anymore and you have no choice but live. Your subconsciousness needs all that dark load out. It took years to load it, it must take years to reverse the process.
Even if your move towards your healing is more of a crawl at one point or from time to time, it’s still a move, you’re not giving up. You never lose if you never give up.
I’m not a therapist or a counselor certified to give advice. I’m just a thought trying to bring you to a more comfortable place. And you know why? Because we’re so cool when it’s about other people challenges. If we could only look at ourselves the same way! Let’s just give it a try!
Look at yourself as you look at a stranger crying for help. Just listen, but make your heart your ears. You cannot understand their challenge with your ears and mind because you’re not going through it. You can understand their heart instead, because it’s just like yours; the only difference is that it’s vibrating with pain at that point, restless all over the place like a tired butterfly looking for a place to land. Let yourself be its landing place, and the butterfly will spread its colorful wings, and fly again.