Fantastic post, Simon. As a fifteen year PHP dev, (and tech C-Suite these days), I can’t believe my eyes haven’t rolled out of my head the number of times I’ve heard of PHP’s untimely demise. The one thing you left out is comparing the relative ages of the two languages.
PHP: June ’95, clearly old as hell, only used by dinosaurs.
JS: December ’95, kind of like Christmas, young, fresh, and hot.