I think I just reached my limit. Something has to change. Mentally, I’ve reached my low point. I don’t know what to do anymore. All of my emotions, gone. My soul is a vestigial carcass longing for flesh and purpose. My mind is an empty room in a crowded hotel on a busy street. I’m stuck and I’m hurt. I need help although I run when it comes. I used to think I was depressed, but no… not like now. I used to think depression meant distancing myself from my friends and family, bad drug habits, excess alcohol abuse, poor relationship skills. I was naive then, and fed consummate ideals of what it means to be “depressed”. I know now that’s fucked up and couldn’t be farther from the truth. Depression is smiling in everyone’s face to make them comfortable at dinner, when all you can think about is taking your fathers gun and ending it all in front of them. Depression isn’t starving yourself or overeating, depression is not even thinking about food because you’re too busy sleeping your shit-show of a life away. Depression has become my shadow. A younger sibling you wish would just fucking LEAVE YOU ALONE.
No matter what I do, it’s always with me.
Sucks that I’m bipolar, too.