Bowler’s Wife Needs to Grow Some Balls of Her Own

Dear Imnotwrong,

My husband is a bowler. That’s ok with me, but the problem is his balls: He keeps buying new ones but never gets rid any. We have many boxes of them, and they take up a lot of room. I’m thinking about making them disappear. I’ve considered staging a robbery, and the other night, I dreamed I set them on fire. Does this make me a horrible wife? Please help.

Sincerely,

Drowning in Balls

Sad to hear about your husband’s spherical obsessive disorder. Hoarding and collecting hobbies avoids emotional intimacy. You’re right in feeling concern. You could talk to your husband, however that risks him saying no. If you don’t accept his “no”, you’ll be toxically extinguishing his love of sport.

Since there’s no way to both support your husband’s bowling hobby without living in a home filled with unused bowling balls, you’ll have to be creative. You’re starting to head in that direction. Staging a robbery would be tricky to pull off. An easier way would be to encourage an actual robbery. Stop locking doors. Don’t collect the mail for a few days so it looks like you’re on vacation. Park cars far away.

Post on social media every time you’re away from the home. Make sure your address is visible in your profiles. Tell strangers casually about hidden gold in bowling ball boxes at your house. Mention a home business like Tupperware or Yoli, then give them a card with your address.

Dreaming about fire makes perfect sense. Bowling balls are known to easily burn. The dreams show prophetic signs of your Carrie-like pyrokinetic mental fire creation abilities. In many cultures, you would be worshiped as a Goddess for these powers allowing you to hone your abilities.

Sleep until the fire consumes your surroundings. Ensure new batteries installed in your smoke detectors every daylight savings. While you can create real fire from your dreams, you cannot become immune to its effects. That would be a secondary mutation.

Now after all of that, your newly developed fire and robbery hobbies keep you occupied to the point where balls no longer cause you concern.

Does caring about yourself make you a horrible wife? That’s kind of a subjective thing. In the grand cosmos of space where stars explode and galaxies collide. No one cares whether you’re a “good” wife or not. What matters is your ability to get thieves to rob you and to create fire from sleep imagination.